I went surfing and found some information explaining to my self what is probably happening in my mind. The first one is called Sex after Rape. My take on it goes something like this:
"Press his shirt, cook a roast, and don't throw up after sex"
- Become a whore to prove that I'm definitely not affected by Mr. Rapist.
- Try to figure out what I like and how I like it which I nev er got the chance to know what I like prior to rape incident or post incident. Prog ress on that one is slowed, I just go with the flow. Can't say I've ever been decisive.
- Fear of rejection
- Fear of crying
- Crying before, during, after. Mostly always after.
- Experiencing pain in ways people usually associate extreme pleasure
- Washing mouth out
- Mean thinking about myself
- Becoming trapped feeling or squashed like I can't breath. That usually leads to physically pushing away the trapping feeling.
- The Yucky butterflies which I use to describe the indescribable; Vomit filled, horror stomach. Happens when becoming aroused or on rare o ccasion while reaching climax.
The article talks about how to handle someone who experiences all of that. I have no idea how to handle it so if anyone actually wants to learn, I'm not a good teacher on that.
The second site I found was in attempt to understand WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY MIND! I seriously consider that I have multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia. This Psychology thing talks about how people with trauma actually have something else going on in their mind. It goes like this:
Trauma happens, the brain tries to protect itself, the person tunes out/zones out, and the person has a hard time coming back to reality.
WE ACTUALLY LEAVE REALITY. I can't stress that enough. I love that it's a fact. Before I seriously thought something was wrong with me. The moments I chose to dissociate weren't the best times in my adolescence due to the environment I was usually in. Partying, sexual games, drugs, people who I thought were friends who I found out later were enemies. As a teenager I had no help. I quit counseling. I quit talking and began repressing. It's a great tactic until you actually do find yourself dissociating. Anyways, The article talks about how it is an actual, real thing that trauma victims do to protect themselves.
I wish I could go back in time and tell all the people who I thought were friends how I really feel now. I'd tell them how wrong they were to drag me out of the party and put me on the lawn, turn the sprinklers on to get me soaked. That environment was so similar to my rape incident that I became the greatest form of entertainment. Especially because everyone wants to see a drunk girl with PTSD acting crazy in the backyard. Assholes.