Sunday, February 19, 2012

If you're awesome and you know it clap your hands

My boss is a control freak. She is self centered and full of anxiety. I just realized how sad that really is and how due to my own anxiety and lack of self esteem I've fallen victim to so many of these people. Wether it be past abusve relationships, horrifying bosses, or manipulating friends, there are several faces that pop up as the control freak abuser in my life. I just spent a few hours panicking around my house because I thought up all the worry over this job I have. Will I do a good enough job? How can I be more perfect? How can I handle a mistake? How can I handle their control? The truth I've discovered is I can't. That is a huge leap in my therapy I think. This is my life. I just happen to have chosen to work for these people. They chose to hire me. I can chose to leave or stay if I want to not because they control me to stay. That is such a freeing idea. Since when is it alright to feel trapped, anxious, worried, sick, nauseous whatever to go in to work? This article just turned my little mind into a lightbulb explosion. If anyone out there is wondering if they to have someone in their life who is a control freak abuser this is just my recounting of events and traits in my own control freak to help me visually see yes indeed this is a fact vs a made up reality my trauma mind has created for me to tell me all people are bad. FYI I'm a dental assistant.

#1 He/She insisting on running the show/calling all of the shots.
This is kind of a hard one to explain because you just have that gut feeling that they are the head honcho. My boss in particular has her own business and will change where she wants me to be and when even when I am currently at the previously delegated place. She has said, "How are you deciding who will work with which dentist? Are you just pulling it out of your head randomly? You are to come to present to me at the end of every work day to be told where you will be tomorrow so we can have better control of who we want to work chair side.

#2 Manipulation and intimidated. Too much to keep track of.
My boss will see a minor difficulty arise such as someone requesting a day off for an event vs someone requesting the same day for a medical apt and chose to formally write up that no one shall make requests. This is because it is too difficult to please both parties so no one gets the day off. "Medical, pregnancy, or illness are not excuses for requesting time away from work. It places a burden on the practice and fellow employees to have you gone and your job is not secured due to these events" was written in our office manual as well as threatened to us on our employee reviews.

#3. Believing their wisdom is better than anyone else and gives it freely.

" If I wasn't a dentist I would have gone into psychology because I know people very well because I grew up raising farm animals". and " I have seen this survival behavior before in animals when threatened by another animal. Your perception is too self focused and me centered". Also, Let me refer to this excerpt from the time my boss thought it was a good idea to offer me panick attack advice in the form of a rape story assualt.

"I spilled the contents of a massive festering wound I've been keeping bandages on for 10 years. Not pretty. I said,
"I had a crime, I have trauma, gulp...I have PTSD."

Then, all of a sudden the Dr. that previously said,
sat down by me and said,

"Me to, I've been dealing with this a long time and now am able to talk about it".

OH my freaking goodness and she did talk about it right there to me at 4:30pm on a work day in the staff office with the door shut. I know this information because I spent that entire 30 minutes trying to keep grounding myself to reality."
#4 Only their input is valid only share their opinion and hate others opinion.
I hear "well anyways, I think _____ (repeats original opinion)" when someone tries to relate to her with their own opinion of the same topic.

#5 Feel threatened by feedback.
Anytime a patient is disgruntled or upset about something, she goes into the office and judges that person for their problem with their attitude.

#6 Obsessed with analyzing, re-cheeking, evaluating.
Oh man, it's called ANAL-yzing. Every microscopic detail. What temperature are the clothes being dried at, who is using what kind of pen and is their name on it, listening to every word someone says and using it against them such as the time I dropped something and laughed out a "oh I'm so clumsy" then writing me up for it on my employee review as a "Lack of personal judgement".

#7 Can't just let someone do their job, have to do it for them or it won't be perfect.
I've been taking patients to check out for months but recently the Dr. has been hovering over me watching every little thing I do to walk them to the lobby because I wrote down an incorrect version of the treatment we had done for them and they had to have a refund of $100. First time I made that error in my career.

#8 Stress, lack of sleep, lack of eating, worry things going wrong.
My boss always starts the morning with saying how late she was working last night sometimes she leaves near midnight on days we start at 7:30am. On Mondays we don't share stories about our fun weekends because she always says things like "yeah well I was up all weekend working here to make sure everything was good." WHO'S FAULT IS THAT? I had a nice weekend because I know how to clock out of work.

#9 lack of imagination more daydreaming of doom.
Constantly being harassed about perfection because we "might have an audit of our dental records or OSHA may come in to the practice everything has to be perfect down to the last comma or it makes us look retarded".

#10 Bully people to do things exactly as you say.
Nuff said. "Don't request anything it burdens everyone and will be reflected on your employee review". "are you retarded or did you not hear me?" "Sometimes I wonder if you were even working on the same patient I was you clearly don't know what your doing but I fixed all of your errors on this sticky note for you to re-enter into your charting".

So, I like my job. I love helping patients. I think teeth are cool and this job fits my life schedule etc etc. I'm new out of school and need the experience so I'm needing to stick around a little while longer. What am I going to do to keep my own sanity amidst this lady's lack of self assessment bullying and havoc on herself?

- Remember that their need to control is because they are flipping the fuck out inside and can't cope. They lack the ability to recognize their need for coping skills. Someone they have cruised through life and learned that running people over or massively controlling everything will calm their fear. This will make it all better. If I can control it, I won't have to face failure or difficulties. In my circumstance, I work for a dentist. The top careers from a 24 state data survey
that were linked to suicide of people 20-64 came up with dentists as the 6th highest suicidal job to be in.
This is a person who needs to make you feel like shit to make them not so freaked out. The more stressful their life, the more they try to bring you down to help themselves. These people have to have the ability to recognize that they have defeated you. Type 1 needs control. Type 2 needs to control you.

Stay calm. Control freaks like to make everyone else frenzied and blame them for problems so they become defeated.

Speak slow. Don't be drawn into emotional turmoil. Remember to breathe and focus on your breath as they unleash their anxiety beast of reckoning on you.

Treat them with kindness. They are paranoid.

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. Luke 6:27

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Virgin Boozing and Pee Shame.

The party was going to go down in a few hours. I was living in the basement of my parent's house. My mom didn't care I wanted to go out as long as I let her know where I was going. Of course I lied, "Mom I'm going to a friends house to spend the night and watch movies". I knew I was heading out to a night of uncertainty and excitement. No one had ever asked me to a party before. I was to be picked up by a guy I never met. He had seen a photo of me at the house the party would be at. My friend and I had taken those stupid photo booth pictures at the roller skate park the year before. She liked to hang them in her room. I suppose he thought I was cute because he offered to pick me up.

The truck was loud when it pulled into the drive. I had on torn up jeans and a yellow tank top. Before I left the house, I checked my boobs to make sure they were touching in the front and put on a super sparkling necklace of a gun.

The front door of the house was tall, thick oak and glossy with a large vintage handle. As soon as I opened it I realized how cold the summer night had become. "Mom, Dad! I'm leaving!" They were watching the news. When I ran down the driveway I did a little spirit finger wave at the guy in the truck. He leaned over and popped the handle for me. The car had torn fabric seats and smelled musty. I climbed up awkwardly with a smile trying to scoop the assorted receipts and wrappers onto the floor as I sat down next to him. We made small talk. I mostly just told him how to get back to the main road from our house in the woods. My shivers were hard to stifle. I've always been a loud chatterer. He turned on the heater knowingly and smiled at me. The air warmed with a smell of old fries and stale car freshener.

Once we arrived at the house party, I jumped down from the truck and walked briskly to the door. I'd been to the house before several times but I decided to knock anyways. No one answered the knocking. The guy from the truck came from behind. He reached around me to open the way to the dark thumping revelry. My eyes stung immediately. I coughed a few times. The smell of cigarettes and incense filled my lungs. There were glowing posters all around. There weren't any introductions.

I moved through the house alert and nervous clinging to the idea that I might find my friend. She was sitting on the lap of her boyfriend of 3 years. Everyone knew they were fucking each other. They regularly would leave social events to go do it in random places. One summer I was over, we tried to look like we could play basketball outside. We had more fun leaning on the extra cars in the street and bobbing our head to the bass. They did it in the car we were leaning on. He liked to pressure her to do it in public. I could tell she liked the attention. The guys would cheer them on but I doubt they could hear with the deafening stereo.

She squealed and jumped off his lap when I came through the beaded door frame. We hugged. She told me to sit by her and her man. The chair was old and one of the legs was rickety. On the table in front of us was a giant bubbling vase. Smoke spiraled from nearby nostrils. Black light poured over us illuminating the stained carpet and neon nail polished fingers. Everyone was staring at me waiting for me to make a move. I felt like Alice in Wonderland. My anxiety was up; I didn't want to be thought of as a weed. "Here sip on this". My friend handed me a cold lemonade mixture. She knew I had never drank before. Ice cold stinging liquid rushed in my mouth. I choked and laughed handing the glass back to her. The guy from the truck asked me if I'd ever drank before. I shrugged at him. He disapeared through the beaded doorway. Upon reappearing he had two glasses full. He handed me the glass."Drink up Sweetheart we threw you the party". Everyone in the rabbit hole chanted at me "drink, Drink DRINK". With my eyes shut tight I sat up straight on my chair took a deep breath and downed the whole glass. My tank top caught the spill over and I wiped my face on my arm in victory.

The guy from the truck smelled like liquor and cologne next to me. The music pounded in my head. My hair was tangled and wrapped around my face. We were laying on floor together laughing and singing loudly. "Are you drunk?" I shouted at him "No!" with my eyes shut tight. "I have to pee". He helped me up from the floor. It felt as thought I stood still and the floor fell from below me. I stumbled head heavy to the door holding truck guy's hand for as long I could to maintain balance.

My skin was hot and clammy. I felt far away from the face in the mirror. Dizziness clouded my perception. There was a brush on the counter. I ran it through my hair in attempts to feel more beautiful. My shirt was stained and wrinkled from heavily chugging the elixir of popularity. When I turned around I noticed the toilet hadn't been cleaned in weeks possibly longer. I tried to hover pee and hold my panties away from the seat. There was a mirror on the back of the door to witness my calamity and wavering. I have never felt more shame with myself in the mirror.