Tuesday, June 5, 2012

A Harem and the Star

This is an example of how vivid I dream things. This particular dream scene came to me last night and is not particularly nightmarish to me but has some elements that really did effect me as being real. I did wake up feeling that this was someone I have once been before or currently am. I DO NOT believe in reincarnation of the soul or having a past life. Most of my dreams have been much too gruesome and intense for me to write down. Due to my own imagination abilities I do find that I have to limit the amount of theatrics in my life (movies, music, horror, the news, etc) or I'd be completely over whelmed and never sleep. NOTE: I write immediately after waking up and only edit things for grammar and to make sense. The details I see in dreams are exactly as written. I'm always interested in knowing what my dreams mean.

PART I of a Harem Dream

I was a Beautiful princess married to a prince in a foreign land.
My skin had a deep caramel tan. I wore charms and bells on my ankles and feet along with fine jewelry of rare gems and stones around my neck. My hair was long and nearly touched my lower back.
During my marriage to the prince we had difficulty becoming pregnant. We tried for years but finally the prince was about to become king and needed a son to become his heir as his father, the present king, was aging and would surely die in a few years.
He sent me with the castle mystic to a place far away in a forested part of the land. There was a hut with several older mystics still practicing magic. They stripped me of all my clothing and tied me down with stakes and rope. They poured oils over my hair and body and chanted around me. One of them was whispering to a handful of what looked like rocks but the more she spoke to them the shinier and more beautiful they grew inside. The rocks became crystal like and glowed from within. A metal gleam bounced around the site as a mystic sharpened her blade by a roaring fire. I was becoming sleepier than ever and had difficulty remembering where I was and who these people were. Burning searing pain seized my lower stomach. I cried and writhed. The blade tore into my stomach again. I could see the crystals now they were bright stars from heaven. They placed seven inside my pubic bone and stitched me up with a purple cloth and clothing string.
I awoke in the palace bedroom with the prince waiting impatiently around the bed. Finally, I had awoken from a two year coma. The king was now barely able to maintain order in the kingdom and the Prince was becoming stressed to no end. He asked how I was feeling. I responded with tears in my eyes and questions on my heart, “I’m alive?” “Yes, but how do you feel?” It turned out that the Prince had been making love to my body in a coma in hopes to place a child in my womb. To his disappointment and soon my end I was not with child.
The street corner the prince threw me to was deserted in the night. Only torch lamps and palace guards were scattered among closed merchant carts. The prince apologized and cried. He gave me a kiss on my forehead and told me it was the best for the kingdom that he find a fertile woman to bare the legacy.

 I was distraught for months trying to scrape out the crystals that protruded around my vagina. No other man would have me. The universe would not bring me peace and I stayed up all night contemplating my own death alone and never having a child.

In a desperate one last attempt I gathered fine linen and stitched myself a most beautiful garment of gold and purple. I washed my hair with jasmine oil and mint. My skin was clear and fresh and I felt alive. The hut I was living in had an older woman who took me in. There was dust on the floor and it had opened windows to the elements. The building was made of tan stone carved out of one rock. It was small but the wind drifted through the window and around my hips and hair.

Under nightfall, my steps would not be detected easily.  In my heart I knew this was the riskiest operation I would ever face. I could feel adrenalin coursing through my body. I remembered the way to the back entrance. Once there, I slipped on my ankle bells and jewelry. I felt like a princess again. I crept slowly up the stone stairway silently. My breath was in my ears and my heart pounded so loud I feared I would be caught and beheaded. I did not belong here.

The prince was in his study, awake. I approached the opening and whispered, "my love". He stood up quickly and ran to grab me. I felt alive again in his presence and embraced his shirtless body. The room was warm and smelled of sandal wood. There were candles lit among pillows and soft sheets. I pleaded with the Prince to allow me one last chance to be with him. I felt love in my heart again when he allowed it. “Quick make sure the castle is secure” he called to his man servant. “Yes my Lord”. “Oh and send in a palace nurse” he added quietly. When she arrived her arms were full of blankets and a basin of fresh oils. She romantically removed my home stitched linens and oiled my skin. I was then guided over to the prepared place to lay waiting for the prince. I missed him so in my coma and didn’t have a chance to be with him awake. My stomach glowed. As it twinkled I felt a surge of butterflies fill my face and heart. He approached me in a sarong.

He made love to me not for business. It felt real, as though he did feel love  for me. I clung to his arms and smiled. From below his body pressing in on me, bright white light poured out of me and spread throughout the room. I felt as though I had spun into the heavens and touched the inside warmth of a star.

“Check her” the Prince panted an order to the nurse. “Yes Lord she is ready” she replied. I became confused in my ecstasy. The nurse was coming towards me with water and towels. On top of the towels were long strings and needle sharp items made from bone. The Prince came behind me and held my arms and shoulders down while his man servant was instructed to hold my legs. Fiery pain ran through my nerves as the nurse punched holes into my lips and tied me shut. The Prince kissed me on the mouth hard. The light from within me slowly left the room and day was arriving.

“What will I do?” I pleaded. “You will know what to do. Return to me when you have grown”. He then grabbed my wrist, “wait, you’ll need an offering to the mystic at the door”. The time had passed us and it was nearly dawn. Town was bustling and sounds of people arriving in the streets echoed up the stone structure around us. “Here take this”, the prince handed me a seashell dish filled with bird food and nuts. As I left alone through the corridor and down the steps I approached the old woman. I recognized her from my fertility ritual. She was now shrunken and wrinkled with time. I handed her the dish with bird food and she snatched my wrist hard. Birds flocked in around us chirping and squawking at the dish in the dust. “You are in danger now my dear, run to protect your baby, do not bring him back here, do not lose your way”. She handed me a prism dagger from a pouch on her side. It felt cold and hard in my hand the edges were serrated to a point.

My body tortured me from within with birth pains. The old woman I had been staying with was gathering blankets and clothing to throw in a trunk. As she gathered she chanted slowly in whispers. I could not tell what she was saying exactly. The stones inside of me felt ready to burst and break open my stomach. I fell to the floor gasping and grinding my teeth in agony. We rushed out the entrance. The old lady whistled and another mystic came through the adjacent alleyway with a black horse. Together they hoisted my nine month old belly and I up. “Where had this time gone?” I thought for a moment. Then, the mystics whispered to the horse and slapped it hard on the rump. The constant motion of his body against mine made me want to die right there. He panted hard and smelled of stable hay. The muscles on his back pressed into my labor pain. Tears poured out of my face.
In the forest, the oldest of the mystics alerted the others of my arrival. I collapsed off the horse to the grassy ground immediately. Rolling over on my back I let out a wail. This baby was coming. I could feel the head pressing deep down and fast. My hands uncontrollably grabbed clumps of grass out of the ground in handfuls.  I opened my eyes briefly in a haze throwing my head back in a growl. There were mystics from all over the land in a circle whispering around me. The eldest of them was at my knees with her head buried in to see and coax the baby out. My home stitched dress was raggedy and blood stained from the horse ride in. My breasts were swollen and ached. I had dirt across my arms. My mind was foggy.

Silence fell over the forest. The heavens opened up and light surged down from the stars. It lit up the entire earth. I lay there crying and howling in pain. New wailing entered the world and the eldest mystic held him up in her hands. The baby was covered in shimmer and blood. “A star has been born!” Hollered the eldest mystic and the forest chanting grew loud in excitement. She nestled his tiny body up to mine and wrapped him to me. I cried and glanced down at his face. He was the most beautiful child I had ever laid eyes on. I loved him immediately.

I knew this moment would come when I would hear army trumpets and the sound of men romping through the forest. Word had spread through the land and the Prince was looking to seize the next heir to the throne. Terror. My body ached in worry. I held my baby star close to my chest and prayed over him to the heavens. “Watch over my little star wherever you go and wherever you are, I will find you and I will love you as long as I am away from you I will always seek to find you”.
They tore through the huts with fire torches and arrows. Mystics hurried and screamed all around the forest ground. Slashes came through the thatched roofs and tore open the homes. The eldest mystic packed me up a satchel and supplies. She strapped the baby to my body and sent me off on the black horse. She whispered to the horse and we took off with a sprint down the forest hills and to the nearest towns over.

It was an ambush as soon as I had arrived. I crouched down and screamed “No one takes my baby!” I slashed out at the guards with the prism dagger. It tore open their flesh and blood poured from their wounds onto the ground. I fought with everything I had. I prayed God would give me strength to save my child. The horse neighed and bucked at the soldiers pressing in on me. I was over come and the baby was ripped from my body. The heavens above let out a thunderous crack and it began to pour down rain.

I was left in the mud alone crying and screaming at the top of my lungs “Bring my baby back!”. I punched at the mud and writhed in it. A young lady approached me. She grabbed a hold of my clothing and pulled me into the local bar. A clamoring of glasses and burly men halted as I was dragged crying and wailing to the cellar.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Charming Snake Bites

Hey everyone come see how baddass I look!

The air was sticky with heat. The mugginess held onto my upper lip with dirt and sweat. I had ridden my little mermaid bicycle up and down the cul de sac at least 100 times if not more that day. Evening was setting in and the sun hung low on the horizon. It was that time of day when you rode your bicycle one way and found shade but on the way back became easily blinded as the rays penetrated through tree branches. It was this blinding light that caused me to miss the driveway back home just as my grandparents were helping in the yard. Dad was at the bottom of the driveway with grandpa. I had skid along the loose gravel and bailed on my bicycle. I look back now and know grandpa was just trying to help me feel better because I biffed it on my bike. "Hey come over here! I found a snake!" Grandpa called over to me from the ditch. I stood up and wiped my face with dirty hands. I had on a bright pick bubble gum helmet with my hair a hot mess out the back of it. I hesitated to approach the dangling black snake in grandpa's hand. I breathed really hard. This was my first experience with a snake. "Go ahead and pinch it right behind the head". My tiny feeble hand stretched out in hopes of impressing my elder that yes in deed I can hold a snake! Not a moment after I pinched that sucker's head did the wriggly slick tail twirl around my wrist in a flash. That damn snakes head slid from beneath my fingers. Searing pain burned into the fleshy part of my thumb. I shook and shook but the snake would not let loose and again opened what seamed to be a gigantic mouth  to take a second bite out of my hand.  In my true drama queen nature, I ran screaming up the 50 foot driveway, crying and flailing like I was about to die. I ran through the garage flung open the rickety garage door to a dark hallway. I sprinted through the hall huffing and gasping to the utility bathroom. I was still alive. My hand had four little gigantic bleeding spots. I ran ice cold water over my arms and hands crying and gasping. I still had on the stupid pink helmet. Looking up into the medicine cabinet mirror, I realized something new about myself; I was a complete utter pussy and looked like a bat shit crazy child. I took a moment to breathe and stare at my reflection. I wiped the tears away. It didn't help, the dirt just became muddy streaks on my face. I took my helmet off and washed my face. Dinner was going onto the table upstairs. One last deep breath. I walked calmly up the stairs like nothing happened and the snake incident wasn't spoken about. No one asked if I was alright with my near death experience.

Is there a medication for sexual maturity

I'm feeling very confused about sex again. When is anyone not confused at some point in there life about how this act is supposed to go? Lately, I've tapped into my inability to reach an orgasm and discovered coping mechanisms to help me over the edge a few times. Being someone who was forced to have my first orgasm from a rapist, I've found it difficult to allow myself that release. It feels almost too much or too scary. For years in all of my past relationships, I learned that it was easier to fake it and make the experience more about the man. This sort of allowed the pressure to move away from me achieving something. In a Christian marriage situation however, I'm coming up with several issues that I'm trying to work on.

1. How to feel less rushed. It's so stressful to have sex for me. This should be something natural and fun. In my reality though, it's more work to keep the demons out of my head. To cope with this, I've just thought to pray prior to engaging in any potential sexual activity. After all, God did make me for my husband. Also, I work on grounding myself to where I actually am. I tell myself about the room I'm in and the feelings I have. I like to touch my husband and remind myself of his smell, skin, and textures of his body to help me see my husband and not a past memory that could trigger me. This leads me to the first issue: How can I enjoy sponteneity?

2. We all have insecurity in the bedroom. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. We are supposed to be loving and blameless in the bedroom. I'm so mean to myself and trauma brain likes to tell me horrible things about myself to make me not interested in having a carefree love making session. To combat this one I spend time getting dolled up the way I feel pretty. I'll take a shower, comb my hair, maybe use a scented lotion, add some lip balm and tell myself I am gorgeous. I'd like to think it would all be better if my husband spent more time telling me I'm beautiful but I don't blame him for giving up on that because I go right back at attacking all the good things he has said. I can't remember the last time he told me in his own time and own words how I was beautiful because I've always allowed trauma to attack those sweet words. Post therapy, it's become difficult to encourage my husband to try again to tell me in his own because I broke that. Again, I pray. How can I get my husband to call me beautiful and that I take his breath away?

3. I feel like my husband is annoyed with me because I'm so "special" in the bedroom and have to have a particular setting, a certain mood, specific foreplay, and hope I keep from dissociating. I want sex to feel innocent and special. Every time it feels new to me like a first time experience. That's probably because my emotional level and sexual maturity halted at 12 years old. How can I explain that to my husband? What does that even look like?

I feel like I have a crush on my husband all the time. I only look at him and obsess over him when he is around me. I constantly want to have some part of me touching him, a foot, my arm, hand, legs on him, etc. I am totally infatuated with him. I'm always texting him and asking him to give me attention.  I want to make out all the time but lately I've tried to distance myself from him because I fear that my obsessing will drive him away from me. The more I try to give him space, the more depressed and sad I become. I dread him dying or leaving. I cry endlessly when he has to go on a trip for a weekend or most recently I've wanted to back out of weekend plans with me and just the girls so I can stay with him. When we become intimate I turn into mush, giddy, giggly, and shy. I am 23 years old and I am shy to my husband!

I feel trapped in an adult body. Some how it's like I was in a coma for 10 years and now all of a sudden I have an adult life with adult desires but no matured capacity to carry out a normal sex life. (TIME OUT) What is a normal sex life anyways? Maybe that's not what I mean. Normal to me is do whatever you want to do in privacy and safety of marriage that doesn't hurt you or others. My biggest "fantasy" is just to be myself but myself is being innocent with a dominant husband. The sex I dish out is a lot of trying to act mature and dominant and sure it's nice because I absolutely love my husband but the confusion is: How do I explain what I really want?

I want to feel lost in sex like the world around me is gone and it's just us. The reality of it though, is more like I'm sad it ends so fast because it took me 15 minutes to realize what was happening and he is ready to leave the room or fall asleep and now I'm super confused about the feelings I am having and long for more.

OH AND P.S. Zoloft causing your shit not to work the way it's supposed to. All dried up. Sometimes it fizzles but there's no pop. The pill lady told me to take Viagra but that's like $10 a pill. She also suggested toys and lubricants but here's the confusion again: How do I suggest these things to my husband who believes strongly that "God gave us everything we already need".