Monday, June 4, 2012

Is there a medication for sexual maturity

I'm feeling very confused about sex again. When is anyone not confused at some point in there life about how this act is supposed to go? Lately, I've tapped into my inability to reach an orgasm and discovered coping mechanisms to help me over the edge a few times. Being someone who was forced to have my first orgasm from a rapist, I've found it difficult to allow myself that release. It feels almost too much or too scary. For years in all of my past relationships, I learned that it was easier to fake it and make the experience more about the man. This sort of allowed the pressure to move away from me achieving something. In a Christian marriage situation however, I'm coming up with several issues that I'm trying to work on.

1. How to feel less rushed. It's so stressful to have sex for me. This should be something natural and fun. In my reality though, it's more work to keep the demons out of my head. To cope with this, I've just thought to pray prior to engaging in any potential sexual activity. After all, God did make me for my husband. Also, I work on grounding myself to where I actually am. I tell myself about the room I'm in and the feelings I have. I like to touch my husband and remind myself of his smell, skin, and textures of his body to help me see my husband and not a past memory that could trigger me. This leads me to the first issue: How can I enjoy sponteneity?

2. We all have insecurity in the bedroom. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. We are supposed to be loving and blameless in the bedroom. I'm so mean to myself and trauma brain likes to tell me horrible things about myself to make me not interested in having a carefree love making session. To combat this one I spend time getting dolled up the way I feel pretty. I'll take a shower, comb my hair, maybe use a scented lotion, add some lip balm and tell myself I am gorgeous. I'd like to think it would all be better if my husband spent more time telling me I'm beautiful but I don't blame him for giving up on that because I go right back at attacking all the good things he has said. I can't remember the last time he told me in his own time and own words how I was beautiful because I've always allowed trauma to attack those sweet words. Post therapy, it's become difficult to encourage my husband to try again to tell me in his own because I broke that. Again, I pray. How can I get my husband to call me beautiful and that I take his breath away?

3. I feel like my husband is annoyed with me because I'm so "special" in the bedroom and have to have a particular setting, a certain mood, specific foreplay, and hope I keep from dissociating. I want sex to feel innocent and special. Every time it feels new to me like a first time experience. That's probably because my emotional level and sexual maturity halted at 12 years old. How can I explain that to my husband? What does that even look like?

I feel like I have a crush on my husband all the time. I only look at him and obsess over him when he is around me. I constantly want to have some part of me touching him, a foot, my arm, hand, legs on him, etc. I am totally infatuated with him. I'm always texting him and asking him to give me attention.  I want to make out all the time but lately I've tried to distance myself from him because I fear that my obsessing will drive him away from me. The more I try to give him space, the more depressed and sad I become. I dread him dying or leaving. I cry endlessly when he has to go on a trip for a weekend or most recently I've wanted to back out of weekend plans with me and just the girls so I can stay with him. When we become intimate I turn into mush, giddy, giggly, and shy. I am 23 years old and I am shy to my husband!

I feel trapped in an adult body. Some how it's like I was in a coma for 10 years and now all of a sudden I have an adult life with adult desires but no matured capacity to carry out a normal sex life. (TIME OUT) What is a normal sex life anyways? Maybe that's not what I mean. Normal to me is do whatever you want to do in privacy and safety of marriage that doesn't hurt you or others. My biggest "fantasy" is just to be myself but myself is being innocent with a dominant husband. The sex I dish out is a lot of trying to act mature and dominant and sure it's nice because I absolutely love my husband but the confusion is: How do I explain what I really want?

I want to feel lost in sex like the world around me is gone and it's just us. The reality of it though, is more like I'm sad it ends so fast because it took me 15 minutes to realize what was happening and he is ready to leave the room or fall asleep and now I'm super confused about the feelings I am having and long for more.

OH AND P.S. Zoloft causing your shit not to work the way it's supposed to. All dried up. Sometimes it fizzles but there's no pop. The pill lady told me to take Viagra but that's like $10 a pill. She also suggested toys and lubricants but here's the confusion again: How do I suggest these things to my husband who believes strongly that "God gave us everything we already need".

No comments:

Post a Comment