Sunday, February 5, 2012

Virgin Boozing and Pee Shame.

The party was going to go down in a few hours. I was living in the basement of my parent's house. My mom didn't care I wanted to go out as long as I let her know where I was going. Of course I lied, "Mom I'm going to a friends house to spend the night and watch movies". I knew I was heading out to a night of uncertainty and excitement. No one had ever asked me to a party before. I was to be picked up by a guy I never met. He had seen a photo of me at the house the party would be at. My friend and I had taken those stupid photo booth pictures at the roller skate park the year before. She liked to hang them in her room. I suppose he thought I was cute because he offered to pick me up.

The truck was loud when it pulled into the drive. I had on torn up jeans and a yellow tank top. Before I left the house, I checked my boobs to make sure they were touching in the front and put on a super sparkling necklace of a gun.

The front door of the house was tall, thick oak and glossy with a large vintage handle. As soon as I opened it I realized how cold the summer night had become. "Mom, Dad! I'm leaving!" They were watching the news. When I ran down the driveway I did a little spirit finger wave at the guy in the truck. He leaned over and popped the handle for me. The car had torn fabric seats and smelled musty. I climbed up awkwardly with a smile trying to scoop the assorted receipts and wrappers onto the floor as I sat down next to him. We made small talk. I mostly just told him how to get back to the main road from our house in the woods. My shivers were hard to stifle. I've always been a loud chatterer. He turned on the heater knowingly and smiled at me. The air warmed with a smell of old fries and stale car freshener.

Once we arrived at the house party, I jumped down from the truck and walked briskly to the door. I'd been to the house before several times but I decided to knock anyways. No one answered the knocking. The guy from the truck came from behind. He reached around me to open the way to the dark thumping revelry. My eyes stung immediately. I coughed a few times. The smell of cigarettes and incense filled my lungs. There were glowing posters all around. There weren't any introductions.

I moved through the house alert and nervous clinging to the idea that I might find my friend. She was sitting on the lap of her boyfriend of 3 years. Everyone knew they were fucking each other. They regularly would leave social events to go do it in random places. One summer I was over, we tried to look like we could play basketball outside. We had more fun leaning on the extra cars in the street and bobbing our head to the bass. They did it in the car we were leaning on. He liked to pressure her to do it in public. I could tell she liked the attention. The guys would cheer them on but I doubt they could hear with the deafening stereo.

She squealed and jumped off his lap when I came through the beaded door frame. We hugged. She told me to sit by her and her man. The chair was old and one of the legs was rickety. On the table in front of us was a giant bubbling vase. Smoke spiraled from nearby nostrils. Black light poured over us illuminating the stained carpet and neon nail polished fingers. Everyone was staring at me waiting for me to make a move. I felt like Alice in Wonderland. My anxiety was up; I didn't want to be thought of as a weed. "Here sip on this". My friend handed me a cold lemonade mixture. She knew I had never drank before. Ice cold stinging liquid rushed in my mouth. I choked and laughed handing the glass back to her. The guy from the truck asked me if I'd ever drank before. I shrugged at him. He disapeared through the beaded doorway. Upon reappearing he had two glasses full. He handed me the glass."Drink up Sweetheart we threw you the party". Everyone in the rabbit hole chanted at me "drink, Drink DRINK". With my eyes shut tight I sat up straight on my chair took a deep breath and downed the whole glass. My tank top caught the spill over and I wiped my face on my arm in victory.

The guy from the truck smelled like liquor and cologne next to me. The music pounded in my head. My hair was tangled and wrapped around my face. We were laying on floor together laughing and singing loudly. "Are you drunk?" I shouted at him "No!" with my eyes shut tight. "I have to pee". He helped me up from the floor. It felt as thought I stood still and the floor fell from below me. I stumbled head heavy to the door holding truck guy's hand for as long I could to maintain balance.

My skin was hot and clammy. I felt far away from the face in the mirror. Dizziness clouded my perception. There was a brush on the counter. I ran it through my hair in attempts to feel more beautiful. My shirt was stained and wrinkled from heavily chugging the elixir of popularity. When I turned around I noticed the toilet hadn't been cleaned in weeks possibly longer. I tried to hover pee and hold my panties away from the seat. There was a mirror on the back of the door to witness my calamity and wavering. I have never felt more shame with myself in the mirror.

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