Thursday, December 8, 2011

Busted hand full of tears

The past few days I was kicked out of work. A computer monitor fell and busted my hand. The incident was documented and hopefully I get paid because it totally wasn't my fault that work had a dangerous situation. While I've been at home alone I've been experiencing very odd things. My trauma brain is having a very difficult time compartmentalizing all of what I'm going through.

The whole hand situation is crazy. I'm feeling guilty that it happened. It's the oddest thing like I said. For some reason I'm blaming this on myself and making up how this really was all my fault and I deserve a hurt hand. What doesn't help make this any better is that due to my employer giving me a specific amount of time off I missed a mandatory staff meeting because we only have one car. Husby had the car because I didn't need to go to work. Blame is back on me for that one because I should have known the schedule and my hurt hand shouldn't prevent me from showing up to a mandatory event. However, due to the chaos I was unable to attend. Instead, I cried. I cried because I felt in so much trouble. I felt that I could possibly get fired the day I go back to work for missing a meeting. They throw down mandatory like watch out we might fire you. Husby says I should drop the fact that if I had a safe work environment this wouldn't have occurred and I would have been able to attend this meeting. I'm documenting this because it's been seriously making me feel icky inside and like crawling under a rock.

In the recent sexual news, I brought in a video camera. Everything said no way Jose! Don't you dare film this business. Partially was curious to see it. It felt odd. Husby has always been supportive but this time he was very awkward. I kind of liked the awkward. It was a new feeling; Something exciting and fresh. I'll be honest, I am super curious how sex looked from the cameras point of view. The only down side is now my mind is being mean to me and trying to tell me I'm not good enough. The best part of the camera thing is that I can go back and watch it again after my mind is healed. It'll probably seem sexier then anyways. So for now I'm burying it.

I woke up this morning very insecure. When this happens I usually drink. I drank all the wine from yesterday so I'm SOL on that one but there is chocolate. Husby brought me nice treats and said it was a broken hand period week treat present. Barefoot wine and lots of truffles!

Music volume is at cop calling level.
Ability to cry is still None.
Sketches drawn about trauma is at 4.
Happiness with myself is like 2.
I want a new hair cut.
It's only noon and I'm currently wearing sweat pants, woolie socks, a satin nighty, and an eskimo hoodie. My hair is still wet and makeup is probably getting skipped today.
All I want to do is play video games all day and hope I can work tomorrow. Which, working tomorrow seems like a good idea and good distraction from all of the me wallowing I've been doing but I'm feeling very very insecure about how they will judge me or treat me since I've been gone for a while.

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