Friday, December 16, 2011

Is it just me, or are other people's lives this chaotic?

"Ladies and Gents don't mess with fierce and f*%#@ed up"

My day started with waking up after rape dreams in a hot sweat. When I showed up to work, all the lights were off. It's very cold in Oregon this time of year so I shivered trying to fumble with my keys in the frozen lock. This probably gave the proper amount of time for someone sneaking around in the office to set up a scare post. As I came through, I thought it was weird the computer was on ( I usually have to turn it on). While I am beginning to type in my code for the day out screams the other dental assistant. My body became rigid, nauseous and like I would pass out. I fell backwards and horror movie screamed. She laughed. "Got you good that time!" When I pulled my ass back into my body I panted a wimpy, "I have PTSD! damn". "OH! So you don't like gettin scared then" as she laughed.

Therapy tonight. It's been on the horizon and has finally arrived. My ability to repress everything is going well. I absolutely can't begin to decide what to talk about tonight. There's too much. Then, I panicked. What if I can't get feedback on all my issues? Blog about it.

The last 10 days of work it turned out that I've only worked 4.25 of them. Yeah, I busted up my hand but I was trying to come back and was told not to. At work every little thing I do just seems wrong. I'm being called out every morning. I show up for chart huddle in the morning with a smile and a can do attitude only to be shattered by my boss's bright blue sticky note. The words on that note state: (patient's name) chart note COMPLETELY WRONG, (patient name) chart not MANY MISTAKES, or today's note that said several patient names with the words COME DISCUSS ALL WRONG. My self esteem is so high. It would be alright if the things they had told me to fix months ago would have been explained a little better. That's not the case though. In my feeble attempt at understanding the UN-understandable, I've apparently made myself and everyone else look like complete retards. Oh that was the exact wording. "You are making it seem like you are retarded". Did my boss call me stupid? Holy shit that can't be happening. I just stood there with turds in my pants thinking GOD HELP ME HAVE CONFIDENCE! My lip just quivered and I said okay a lot. Every mistake she corrected, "okay". It was like I wanted a mantra for myself in those moments to tell myself I was going to be okay!
  • my chart notes are "retarded"
  • Every time I'm in a procedure I'm corrected in front of a patient (which has not happened before)
  • Rudely pulled to the side to be told about mistakes I should have known already even though I had never been told something.
  • "You must have forgotten but bla bla bla is the new procedure make sure to correct accordingly". Yeah well you never told me that before now.
  • "I can't use that right now, that is the wrong instrument for this particular thing, get me the right one, I thought you knew that before we can't use it for this". Um, NO! You have NEVER said that to me before now.
  • Don't bother coming in today just stay in your jammies. Too bad I'm already on my way in!
  • Turns out we don't need you to come in until the afternoon.
  • I don't want you deciding to assist me on your own you need to ask me first at the end of each day. We need to keep more control over that sort of thing. Don't assist me we have it covered by the other person so just do whatever it is that needs to be done when you don't assist me.
  • I'm patronized like I can't even begin to explain. I have to give scenarios like: "Listen to me read this and you tell me what sounds more stupid." Reads chart note in a proper tone. "okay"? Reads chart note in hillbilly tone. "Can you tell me which one is the right way to say this"? Giant grin, "Good job, now lets go to the next one"

I also had a full on mental breakdown on Wednesday after work. The oppression had begun and was piling up on me. My body couldn't understand what was actually happening to it. That's when rage came out. It felt so good to scream. People forget that when you are raped at 12, your life gets put on hold, your development is on hold. I have the emotional range of a 12 year old. Too bad I'm 23 and the world thinks it's unacceptable. Most 12 year old's experience rage early in their relationships with people and learn who is bad who is good and how to determine if someone is about to be bad. Also, they learn how to cope with this new emotion of rage. I'm still at the people care about me part. NOT ACTUALLY TRUE! Just realized how many people actually don't care and that that world is full of them. I believe I have the greatest husband in the world. He channeled his inner 12 year old boy and remembered the rage he once experienced and coached me on how to release the beast within. I never wanted to blow something up more badly in my entire life and Office space the shit out of everyone. We got KFC chicken and it was the greatest decision of the entire week. I spent that night eating stupid amount of mashed potatoes and watching mean girls. Bitches.

Schedule for today was supposed to go like this:
Go to work
Have lunch
Get cavity filled in my tooth that hurts that I've been trying to have filled for over 6 months.
Go home
Get beautified and wrap up white elephant Christmas gifts
Pick up Husby
Go to therapy
Go to Christmas Party

How it's turning out today:
Get told to leave work early because they called another assistant in
Deposite the biggest check of the month $800 knowing I won't make much next time around
Angry blog and listen to gangsta ass music to get pumped up and reassured I'm way more bad ass than this shit going down lately.

No comments:

Post a Comment