Friday, December 16, 2011

Let me be angry

Slowly, with therapy, and a safe comforting husband I'm learning to be angry. People have always given me message against anger in my life. I'm sure I'm not the only one. I'm just going to list a few messages I've got about anger.
"Let it go"
"Don't be so hot headed"
"You need to control your anger"
"Girls don't get angry"
"Young ladies act like ladies"
"It's not your place to be upset"
"Women are meant to nurture."

Since therapy I'm trying to learn that angry is ok to feel. Seriously, It's not like I'm going to go ape shit all over the world and murder. I'm not even going to throw a glass against the wall or hit someone. When I'm angry I have this ability to suck it down. I swallow a lot and hold my neck high. I'll bite my lip and furrow my brow. My body will physically be swelling up full of angry. I hold my breath and when I'm completely full of angry, I blow it out hard and slow until I have to gasp for more air. Then, the angry is repressed. I never talk about it. The angry just becomes deflated. Over time I've gotten very good at avoiding this emotion. With a religious upringing I've even been told my church "It is sinful to be angry" and that "we need to be more like Jesus and become righteous in our behaviors".

"Angry is natural"
"Anger is not bad."
"A legitimate response to an injustice is ANGER"
So many times in my life I've received the message that I need to have forgiveness and peace. I've been told I'm not receiving peace because I'm sinful or I have UN-confessed sin in my life. What I think is UN-confesed is how pissed off I feel about being told it's not okay to be angry.

GET YOUR ANGRIES OUT Has an article describing healthy and unhealthy anger and ways to express the anger. I found the website helpful to a point. I feel that the ways to decompress from anger are good and people should utelize them when they are angry. However, in my circumstance I feel that I had pent up anger that is a different type of anger. I'm still working on figure out how to be healthy about it. Obviously repressing it this whole 10 years is not healthy. One particularly interesting point was to draw a picture of your anger. This is mine:

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