Procrastination. Ugh. I go to bed before a day off thinking of all the things I could write about only to wake up the next morning completely UN-motivated. As I sigh and fiddle around in the bathroom I even notice the cat box is full and how desperately it needs attention. "Not gonna do it", I tell myself. Poor some cereal and find all the dying electronics to plug in. Here I am, blog open and ready and nothing to write about?
Last night my Husby convinced me to watch The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Before you delve into this on your Netflix, I suggest you try reading it first. If your own imagination doesn't steer you away, then I'd take it as a go ahead to watch the film as a rape victim. There were definitly moments where I ripped off my perfectly manicured nails from my fingers with my teeth. I also, had two glasses of wine and between watching and subtitles I could keep emotionally distant to get through it.
After, my Husby looked it up on IMDB to explain to me that there were supposed to be 10 books but the guy died at age 50 or something. My heart sank for him. Why would he write so many horrific things down? Then, that's when Husby says "He witnessed a gang rape when he was 15 and could never forgive himself for doing nothing to help". "Oh! Good!" I thought and pondered that in silence. We went to bed. I put the covers up over my head to dilly dally on my free game apps. I was trying to woo those horrifying rapey scenes out of my head for fear of night terrors and waking my poor Husby before his work day.
Now I'm awake and confused. I've been wondering what I'm supposed to be doing with this blog and it's supposed to be whatever the damn well I please. No Idea how this fits into the bigger picture of my testimony of finding God. I feel a huge knocking at my heart to write more. Just as Steig Larsson has done so well, I to want to capture the horrifying childhood abuse I witnessed in some sort of commemorative way. How? NO IDEA. I thought, just write them all down and make a list. Then, I thought well that is boring where's the drama and the horror in a list? I've already written a few short blips of things from my perspective but then again, not sure how to use it to glorify God. Does everything I do have to glorify him? Yes I decided a long time ago.
" So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31
Where does this put me? There are so many questions. How can my downfall and that of others bring light into what happened during my salvation? God uses terrible stories all the time to help make a point in his book. Steig used horrifying stories in his as well to make a point. What's my point?
My point is, no matter how much darkness someone stumbles into on purpose or accident there is a all loving God (I've met him) that will forgive all and cover them with light. 1 John 1:5 "God is light and in him there is no darkness at all."
I feel an overwhelming urge to explain to someone where I have been in hopes that they too can see the light I have found to cover the pitch blackness of what was my death before Jesus.