A collection of horrible events, actual pain, unrealistic expectations of myself and my challenge to get through it all with a smile on my face, a pocket full of pills, and an empty liquor cabinet.
Monday, August 20, 2012
It's been a year in therapy and so far I've manged to stop dissociating so much. We also just figured out a giant turn of direction in my healing. I'm learning a lot about how a rapist chose a victim and changes their thought pattern. I learned I was conditioned for his perfect approach and it worked leaving me a victim in his wake. I have always worked on hating this person and struggling with strange feelings of desire for him because of what he conditioned me for at such a young and innocent age. This was my first sexual experience and because of it I'm having serious difficulties in my marriage. I'm angry at him. I'm so angry he did this to me. How was I to know though that I would only be used and thrown away? God made sex good and for a purpose and love. It was a gift for marriage and procreation. Now, I'm feeling a strange way towards it. Instead of arousal and excitement I get the bad butterflies and I just try to push through. I hate feeling vulnerable and the image of that first time creeps into my head. I want it gone. I want to know how to love my husband completely and thoroughly the way God intended. I am not a bad wife. I keep repeating this to myself. I will have a break through sometime. I will find healing. God is healer of all things. He can make sex better with my husband. He can heal my heart from this. I trust. It hurts so badly. It hurts me in a place so close to my soul. I ache in the bedroom longing for that excitement to be vulnerable and taken. I don't want to think it's been ruined. My therapist seemed excited that we figured this out. She even said "Oh my goodness we have been working on the wrong thing". She wants to see me more often. I can't help but feel that I'm in therapy over drive. I need it and crave it someone who understands. Someone who doesn't just shove bible verses down my throat and lets me know on a psychological level what has happened to my brain and body response.This is not too big for God to help me through. It's not enough though to wake up and say okay God lets do this. I'm on a mission to seek his healing. Some how through therapy and bible therapy and study I will find healing. I feel as though I am starting over. It's a lonely place.