Monday, January 30, 2012

Everlasting Super Glue

What does it feel like to lose your virginity to someone you don't marry? That's something I've been battling with for a very long time. 10 years? yeah. That's a good number. It makes me angry when teenagers say oh hey he loves me like it matters now. What is love? Commitment. Christ. So much more than what I felt then. It makes me angry at myself when I hear myself saying that same phrase. What hurts more knowing you can't ever get that piece of yourself back? Knowing that the person you gave it to wasn't going to be worth the heartache?

You cross my mind often. It's mostly out of guilt and anger. I was such a child. We didn't know what we were doing when we started this international affair. There was so much I wanted to say but with media it was so simple for you to block me. Maybe you just wanted to ignore what happened. Don't feel as though I care for you now at all. There's more pain there than anything else. I'm not innocent now and I know the break shattered us both.

I heard a sermon the other day how intimacy with another person is like pressing your super glue onto their super glue and letting it get hard. The longer and more super glue you add the harder it is to pull apart. I've accidentally stuck my thumb to my finger before. I tried everything to pull it apart. I even stuck a needle through the glue and poked myself. I started bleeding even before I could be released. That's how it felt with you. Pressure, pain, the sting of your words. The skin peeled off and the super glue was still stuck to my finger.

I knew you weren't satisfied with what I had to offer. You must have been hungry and gave in to temptation. I forgave you for those moments. You misunderstood me though. I had a twisted sense of what it meant to show love to another person. I had thought that was how. My mind and I had a long conversation every time. " Yeah, he will definitely love me more".

We didn't know love. We knew addiction and you were a drug to me in my terror and insecurities. I'd like to think you never knew that I had a problem. If you treated me poorly out of ignorance. I traded my innocence for a chance at acceptance and comfort. I felt like being held under hot water to drown and burn and you were the way out.

Why did you say I was so ugly no wonder I was adopted my own mother didn't even want me?

I don't want you in my thoughts anymore. They won't leave me though. The super glue went everywhere you touched me.

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