Thursday, November 10, 2011

Feeling far away

Okay work day! here I come to suck up your bloody spit and when I'm through I hope sex is still on the table when I get home!

Lately I've been trying to find me and it's this weird tangled mess of a life I have going on. I feel like I'm a brilliant actress. My day starts with hair and makeup and I head out the door to my stage where I channel all the supposed to's and propper behaviors to get me through the first act and I get to have some food which isn't all that fabulous for a sack lunch, in a mini fridge, in a small space where I can't be alone to recharge. I go over in my head how to get through act II. Somehow I get by and head home to decompress the whole time I feel like crying and dying inside. Husby and I will be together and it will all be good but I still feel this strange pit inside of me trying to eat me whole and the energy is gone.

I promised husby I would only use this blog for good and not my self destruction but this is how it feels for me and I don't feel that I'm imploding or anything.

Since the IUD came out we haven't been intimate or anything like that. I took 2 of those Tylenol 3 pills and was numb on the couch trying to watch The Big Bang Theory the other night. The IUD thing is making me bleedy and crampy. Right before that was the last time I felt this charged up about being romantic. Uterus spoiled it though and don't remember how but I woke up in bed ready to head out to my debut for the following day. Now it's my day off and I'm going over every little chore I missed while trying to keep it together this week. All the things are clean and I'm finally feeling like I could use some romance. He's at work so I'm hoping this feeling will last until the evening when he comes home. I'm worrying about it to because I want this romantic sweep you up and take you away to make love event but I know I'm emotionally wrecked and not very well versed in passion. It usually ends up with tying to lure him in to me when I haven't showered, shaved, or made a bed up. We don't have any wine either. Wine helps. Before, when we were first together it was amazing. It went like this, wine, heat on, romantic music, slow dancing. He would kiss me just right slow and calm not like he was trying to eat my face off and I'd get that sinking melting feeling.

Since therapy that feeling has gone. My trauma brain is all up in romance's business and I'm getting frustrated. This past therapy session was all about who to get mad at. Lately, I've been feeling more and more angry especially in times like this when I really want to be intimate with my husby and we can't because of it. I have so much rage in me all I can do to process it is cry. Then, I found this song.....

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