Sunday, July 8, 2012

A letter to my first love

Your words torture me. I wish you never said those things to me. Our relationship could never be. I wish you had understood it better then. We were in the statutory category. I was in middle school. You were in British High School and about to go to college. How could a relationship that only existed in letters survive me growing up. You were an adult. I was just a child. Part of me feels that you took advantage of me because I was innocent and willing to do everything you wanted when you wanted. We became best friends and then you visted the first time to my house and it was too confusing for me to process. How in the world a man from a computer arrive to my house and be welcomed in warmly by my family. It is still so strange but there we were  confused and excited. We played games and enjoyed the outdoors during spring break and summer break. You would stay for a month at a time then you moved up to two months. It became too much. I was feeling suffocated. Then my whole world crashed in on itself and I had told my best friend how a man I didn't know came to me in the night and raped me. You were angry that I didn't come to you first. It didn't give you any excuse to say it was all my fault. I hid it from you to protect you. My life with you was supposed to be fun and almost secondary to my life at home or school in Oregon.

What you said to me was horrible. You told me it was my fault and couldn't understand what I had been going through. I was tortured by my thoughts in the day and wanted to die in my dreams at night. Why weren't you there for me instead?

My life was too much to handle so I ended it. I told you the last time you visited that I hated you and wanted you to never come back. You took all my shampoo when you took showers and it pissed me off. I didn't like that you wanted to force me to lose more weight and when I turn 18 to get boob implants. You dick I was already a 34 C. How could you tell me my body wasn't good enough? Were you using me?

When we broke up you told me that I was so ugly my own mother didn't want to keep me so she threw me away and some pathetic family with no hope adopted me. You also said that every year I keep getting uglier and uglier.

Sometimes, when it was late at night and I knew the time difference between Oregon and England was right, I'd try to find you. Sometimes it worked and we talked but it was only for you to tell me how angry you were with me. One time you were even drunk confessing your undying love for me but you couldn't be with someone who accepts they were raped only to do nothing about it. We talked about the trial I might go to but I told you that I couldn't handle it and we settled for a plea bargain. 

I'm older now and I feel that I am beautiful. I have a husband who thinks I am beautiful and he is very tall and full of ass kicking muscles. I wish someone would beat your face in. You are nothing but a weak insecure preying bastard who sought me out of boredom. You thought you knew what love was so you would fly across the country to see me. That is not love. I don't care if you flew around the world twice before you visited me every time. I hate you.

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