Nervous Nelly Survives an Interview

My job sucks. Everyone knows that. I don't think I've under embellished the amount of hell I receive on a daily basis from this job. In all things though I try my best to give glory to God and allow His peace to over flow in my life. I'm full up on peace and my pockets are empty. After being deathly ill for two weeks, I arrived back to work only to be neglected on hours. Oh so they play that sort of game. No hours for punishment. Goodie me. More time for writing and procrastinating on writing and more writing.

I thought things were looking up but again the weeks went by and I was pulling maybe a 10 hour paycheck every week. This moment has been causing me to excessively grind my teeth away at night. I even have two chipped teeth damnit! After consulting with my therapist and my husband...and the Lord God Almighty Himself. The message was clear. Rebecca, you have to look for a job. My whole world came crashing down. For so long I felt that I had control over the environment I was currently in. I knew my place. I knew my steps to take to mask my neurotic behaviors enough to work a full time job. The job was ending. My life was becoming more uncertain by the moment. Fear crippled me. All I wanted was to drown in a bottle of rum.

The 103 degree fever was probably a good deterrent for wanting to consume alcohol. I did want to live and I seriously considered the consequences. Gulping down as much self esteem as I could, which isn't that much anyways, I set out to write my resume.

Literally, I clicked submit resume and thought this is going to an unknown dental office probably looking for someone of much higher ability and skill than me who knows somehow, telepathically, that I'm completely freaked the fuck out. Gasp. They called me for an interview hours later. I set up the day and waited for the time to melt away.

"Oh Lord here I am", I thought. "Going to an interview at a place I don't know how to get to". Ugh. My anxiety pills seemed to be wearing off and nonchalantly taunting me "you're going to mess this up". "No pills, we got this" I thought. I took an extra pill in hopes that I wouldn't die of anxiety. I took a moment to pray. It was more like 30 minutes of deep meditation, some mild crying, and pleading to the Lord that I don't want to do this. Then, I was out the door to my interview.

It seriously took me every ounce of courage to get out of the damn car. In the parking lot I idled. If I don't turn the car off, I can just turn around and go back home. I can go home. I don't have to do this today. They don't know me and won't think anything of it. Maybe they would call and I would just not answer. I would never answer my phone ever again in my life if it meant I could just go back home.

The time was 5 minutes before my schedule interview time. I wiped my eyes and tossed my hair behind my ears. My neck felt hot and my cheeks flushed. I hate this I thought. I'm going to do this and it will be okay. I will be okay. God is literally walking me into the interview and asking the right questions and I prayed for the right answers so He will deliver me.

How could the interview have gone so quickly? This lady was the most boring hard to read stone cold woman I have ever met in my entire life. I felt so judged sitting there. Trauma brain was loving every minute of it. Who knows what I even said to this lady. I completely blanked the entire process. All I remember is shaking her hand and "tell me a little about yourself". I think I told her I had a house, I lived in a small town near by with my cat. I went to school for the position and the rest is blank. I've never bombed an interview before. Honesty has always gotten me a higher.

Back in the car, I started screaming loudly. The windows were fogged. Rain was smearing down the window. My body started to swell up full of the feeling to cry. I just started sobbing and yelling and freaking out. "Lord, let me have done a good enough job". Looking up I realized that I was parked in the middle of the patient loading unloading dock and children, families, mothers, daughters were all heading in to their appointments. I looked like a freak just blitzing out in the car. My purse was on the ground, I struggled to reach the keys from it. I had flung everything around when I was having my little moment of insanity. The metal was cold on my hand and I tried to start the car. We needed an oil change and belt replacements for months. How come now it decided to start squealing and embarrassing me.

My body shook from adrenaline. We hadn't had much food in the house due to the lack of an extra paycheck. My system was trying to crash on me. I had to just get home. I put the thought in my head to just get home. I wanted to reach out to someone. I tried to call out to family or a friend on my fancy new car speaker. No one answered. Silence over took me. The radio was not on. The rain sloshed under my wheels. "God, was I supposed to be victorious over my anxiety?" Silence. "I don't feel very victorious. I feel very anxious and upset about how it went". Silence still. "Hello, God I'm really not sure what your plan is". Then a thought came to me. This thought is still with me days later than when the interviewer said she would get back to me. Was I supposed to interview and find victory in actually doing it rather than accomplishing a new job?

Lonely Bumble Bee

This house was old and had a toilet in the front yard. My ex boyfriend was to drop me off. One of my friends was supposed to be meeting me here. He promised he would take care of me at the party. "He will be here soon, you can go home" I pleaded with my ex to not come inside with me. He refused to allow me to go to a party where I knew no one dressed the way I was. It was Halloween and I had bought the costume weeks before not knowing where or when I'd even wear it. The picture on the package showed a tall girl in stripper heals. It seemed like the dress part would go down to my lower thigh but in reality it was much too short. Bright yellow and black stripes circled around my body. I had bouncing glittery wings that left little glitter presents wherever they touched. My ensemble was complete with a black stinger and headband with wire yellow antennas. "Fine, you can come in until my friend gets here" I compromised.

Bass from the stereo thumbed in my chest and head. I couldn't hear anyone talking to me. I vaguely introduced myself to people around the dank kitchen. Drinks were being mixed up and served out in glowing cups. A vampire offered me one. I took it to the living room where people were lounging around and smoking. We started playing truth or dare.

I downed an entire cup full of cola and liquor, stood up, and did a curtsy. Everyone cheered and thought that was incredible. Laughter filled the living room and more people came to see what was happening. Others joined in the game. Still no sign of my friend.

My fingers were drunk and I couldn't keep a hold of my phone to text my friend. My head was spinning. I yelled at my ex to figure it out for me. The responding text message said that my friend was not going to be coming to this party. Nobody there was familiar to me safe from my ex. We had been together for about a year. He told me he would be stupid to let me break up with him so he promised to be my friend until I changed my mind back. He was sober. Word got around that I was chugging hard alcohol like a pro. More people poured into the living room with drinks and bets to see who could drink faster. There were many people I out drank. Problem was, the more I won the drunker and more disoriented I became.

"We should leave" My ex yelled towards my ear. "Why?! It's just starting to get fun!" I hollered back in his face.

My foot slipped in the wet grass by his car. He had to help me in and buckle my seat belt. We started driving. Lights and cars flew past my window in a blur. I felt like we were traveling at hyper speed towards death. I kept screaming to slow down we are going to fast. My stomach filled and throbbed. My mouth started to prepare for the inevitable. Hot fizzy vomit rushed forward and out my nose. I tried to hold it back and put my hands up over my face. We pulled over at a gas station. He marched me in the front door past security cameras and to the back restroom. "Wash your face and hands, go pee and come back out."

The bathroom floor had a crazy design on it that messed with my head. The pattern danced wildly below my feet. I vomited again on the toilet. The sink only had ice cold water. I loaded up on soap and washed vigorously making squealing sounds as my skin froze.

When I marched back out to the front my ex was laughing with the guy standing at the counter. I heard them say that I was drunk and going home.

Darkness started creeping into my head in the car. The engine was loud. My body felt limp and helpless. Double racing seat belts held me tight but I felt like I'd be thrown from the car. "I think I'm passing out, don't let me die" I started crying.

Bright light poured over my face when the car finally stopped. I looked around for a moment but couldn't recognize where we were. My head was pounding and my eyes burned. A blurry figure came at me from the passenger window. My ex opened the door and un-belted me. I just stared vaguely up at him without saying a word. The trees were blurry green waving in the background. I could smell his cologne when his shirt was pressed to my face. My body was weightless in his arms and then darkness overcame me. I was falling and spinning away into the abyss. "Look what I found" I heard as we went over the threshold. Darkness again.

Drowning in Peer Pressure

The air was heavy and made my skin sweat just standing still in it. Escaping it was near impossible. As the temperature rose throughout the day the more irritable and bored I became. No otter pop could satisfy my longing to be cool.

He was older than me but invited me to go with him and his friends on an adventure anyway. My heart fluttered at the idea of leaving the house. I longed to escape the summer.

I had bought my first bikini that summer before. It wasn't hard to dig it out of the drawer. I kept it right on top of all of my undies for this exact moment. I had been looking forward to this sort of adventure. Movies always portrayed people in summer carefree, laughing, and flirting until the stars come up.

At the time I was driving my mom's old green mini van. I called it the mob mobile. I loaded it up with snacks and waters thinking we might go picnic some place with shade. When I drove up to the apartment 2 guys and another girl were blowing up a giant floating pool toy.

"Hey, where are we going"? I asked.

The guy that invited me hollered back excited, "goin' to float the river!"
My heart sank. I have never done that before. It's never been talked about among my friends or family. Any time someone went on a river, it was white water rafting with a group of trained professionals. We were going in a pool toy. One of the girls I used to sit on the bus with died white water rafting the summer before. She drowned. They couldn't find her body because it was pinned under a rock at the heaviest rapids section of the river.

"Is it safe?!" I hesitated getting out of the van to help load the pool toy.

We put the giant raft toy in the back of the van and headed towards the river. He put his hand on my thigh for the ride over. I felt awkward having people in the car watching us. Never has this happened to me before. How did I end up as lead driver for an adventure with a guy and his hand on my leg. I smiled and turned up the radio.

We got to the river and it was windy. The sky was bright blue and we could hear the waves crashing near the shore rocks. He helped me down the steep embankment. The other girl from the group introduced herself. She had black and red hair and a stringy bikini. She grabbed my arm tight and squealed, "this will be so much fun!"

It was so much fun relaxing as we began floating down the river. We were lazily floating enjoying some of my snacks I brought along. The guys had paper bags with them and once the sun was directly over head they pulled out the glass bottles from the bags. I couldn't see past the girl sitting next to me and waited to understand what was happening as the bottle was passed down the mini raft towards me. The bottle had a big glass panther hugging the side. Deep brown liquid sloshed wildly around as people were trying to gulp at the bottle. It made it's way to me.I held it and felt the weight of my decision. Heaviness filled my heart. I was 18. I knew it was illegal to drink. My conscious swirled and I decided to just taste it. This went on until the bottle was half gone. I was sober among the group. They seemed pretty calm and relaxed. I laid my head back on the shoulder of the guy who invited me. The sun burned bright through my eyelids. White space filled my head. The water was cool on my hand when I dipped it in. Paradise. When I opened my eyes a while later the guys had lit up a joint. Somehow they managed to keep a plastic bag of weed dry in the raft and now were rolling their own joints. I had never tried to smoke it before this moment. The air smelled sweet and burnt at the same time. They offered me some and I said, "how is this going to effect me driving us all back home at the end?" I hated the pressure. Their reasoning was that I'd be fine in a few hours of rafting. Just chill out I thought. Truthfully I didn't want to look like the idiot who couldn't smoke. I tried a hit off the group joint but didn't pull any smoke from it. I tried again and got frustrated. How were they puffing away and blowing shapes out their noses with this thing.

"Here let me help you." He leaned in over the top of me and pressed his mouth over mine. My world stopped. I could only hear my heart beating wildly and loud. My eyes were wide open and I watched him. Hot smokey air filled my lungs. His lips tasted like liquor and vanilla chap stick. My head rushed and the raft lurched but he stayed locked to my lips. I tried to hold my coughing back but sputtered and he pulled away. Calmly and cooler than anyone in the raft he just sat back, smiled, and took another drag from the joint. The other two started cheering and laughing.

The clouds above us swirled and seemed inches from my face. The river wound up into the sky and I feared we wouldn't make it. I leaned over the edge of the boat to look down into the deep green water. Fish jolted back and forth under the shadow of the raft. Splash! I dove my arm quick and fast in towards the fish. Splash! Splash! I tried karate chopping the water in a haze. I couldn't catch them. Lurching forward I grabbed a hold of the guy's arm. "Get ready we are heading towards the current". My stomach fell again.

Cool mist sprayed my face and the sun was lost behind the cliff edges full of ivy. A cold darkness fell over the raft. The skin on my chest got goosebumps. Speed picked up as we took a dip down a small ledge. We began to plummet down river. My head was spinning. Water sloshed up into the raft and soaked my short bottoms. I felt dizzy and ill.

Large dark patches dotted the center of the river. White wave caps climbed up and spun in circles around them. The raft didn't have any paddles. I grabbed on tight to the guy next to me and whined we needed to paddle away.

Water filled my nose. The light was shut out as the waves crashed over my face. I sputtered and flailed. I could hear the current passing through my ears loud and thunderous. My legs were sucked below. I reached for the surface desperately. Oh God let me live I pleaded in my head. A tight grip wrapped around my bicep. The water above glistened. He pulled me up fast through the surface. My lungs ached for oxygen. I gasped several times. We floated down the river together arm in arm until we met the shore line again.

If you're awesome and you know it clap your hands

My boss is a control freak. She is self centered and full of anxiety. I just realized how sad that really is and how due to my own anxiety and lack of self esteem I've fallen victim to so many of these people. Wether it be past abusve relationships, horrifying bosses, or manipulating friends, there are several faces that pop up as the control freak abuser in my life. I just spent a few hours panicking around my house because I thought up all the worry over this job I have. Will I do a good enough job? How can I be more perfect? How can I handle a mistake? How can I handle their control? The truth I've discovered is I can't. That is a huge leap in my therapy I think. This is my life. I just happen to have chosen to work for these people. They chose to hire me. I can chose to leave or stay if I want to not because they control me to stay. That is such a freeing idea. Since when is it alright to feel trapped, anxious, worried, sick, nauseous whatever to go in to work? This article just turned my little mind into a lightbulb explosion. If anyone out there is wondering if they to have someone in their life who is a control freak abuser this is just my recounting of events and traits in my own control freak to help me visually see yes indeed this is a fact vs a made up reality my trauma mind has created for me to tell me all people are bad. FYI I'm a dental assistant.

#1 He/She insisting on running the show/calling all of the shots.
This is kind of a hard one to explain because you just have that gut feeling that they are the head honcho. My boss in particular has her own business and will change where she wants me to be and when even when I am currently at the previously delegated place. She has said, "How are you deciding who will work with which dentist? Are you just pulling it out of your head randomly? You are to come to present to me at the end of every work day to be told where you will be tomorrow so we can have better control of who we want to work chair side.

#2 Manipulation and intimidated. Too much to keep track of.
My boss will see a minor difficulty arise such as someone requesting a day off for an event vs someone requesting the same day for a medical apt and chose to formally write up that no one shall make requests. This is because it is too difficult to please both parties so no one gets the day off. "Medical, pregnancy, or illness are not excuses for requesting time away from work. It places a burden on the practice and fellow employees to have you gone and your job is not secured due to these events" was written in our office manual as well as threatened to us on our employee reviews.

#3. Believing their wisdom is better than anyone else and gives it freely.
" If I wasn't a dentist I would have gone into psychology because I know people very well because I grew up raising farm animals". and " I have seen this survival behavior before in animals when threatened by another animal. Your perception is too self focused and me centered". Also, Let me refer to this excerpt from the time my boss thought it was a good idea to offer me panick attack advice in the form of a rape story assualt.

"I spilled the contents of a massive festering wound I've been keeping bandages on for 10 years. Not pretty. I said,

"I had a crime, I have trauma, gulp...I have PTSD."

Then, all of a sudden the Dr. that previously said,

"NO CRYING IN DENTISTRY"

sat down by me and said,

"Me to, I've been dealing with this a long time and now am able to talk about it".

OH my freaking goodness and she did talk about it right there to me at 4:30pm on a work day in the staff office with the door shut. I know this information because I spent that entire 30 minutes trying to keep grounding myself to reality."

#4 Only their input is valid only share their opinion and hate others opinion.
I hear "well anyways, I think _____ (repeats original opinion)" when someone tries to relate to her with their own opinion of the same topic.

#5 Feel threatened by feedback.
Anytime a patient is disgruntled or upset about something, she goes into the office and judges that person for their problem with their attitude.

#6 Obsessed with analyzing, re-cheeking, evaluating.
Oh man, it's called ANAL-yzing. Every microscopic detail. What temperature are the clothes being dried at, who is using what kind of pen and is their name on it, listening to every word someone says and using it against them such as the time I dropped something and laughed out a "oh I'm so clumsy" then writing me up for it on my employee review as a "Lack of personal judgement".

#7 Can't just let someone do their job, have to do it for them or it won't be perfect.
I've been taking patients to check out for months but recently the Dr. has been hovering over me watching every little thing I do to walk them to the lobby because I wrote down an incorrect version of the treatment we had done for them and they had to have a refund of $100. First time I made that error in my career.

#8 Stress, lack of sleep, lack of eating, worry things going wrong.
My boss always starts the morning with saying how late she was working last night sometimes she leaves near midnight on days we start at 7:30am. On Mondays we don't share stories about our fun weekends because she always says things like "yeah well I was up all weekend working here to make sure everything was good." WHO'S FAULT IS THAT? I had a nice weekend because I know how to clock out of work.

#9 lack of imagination more daydreaming of doom.
Constantly being harassed about perfection because we "might have an audit of our dental records or OSHA may come in to the practice everything has to be perfect down to the last comma or it makes us look retarded".

#10 Bully people to do things exactly as you say.
Nuff said. "Don't request anything it burdens everyone and will be reflected on your employee review". "are you retarded or did you not hear me?" "Sometimes I wonder if you were even working on the same patient I was you clearly don't know what your doing but I fixed all of your errors on this sticky note for you to re-enter into your charting".

HOW TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO IS A CONTROL FREAK.
So, I like my job. I love helping patients. I think teeth are cool and this job fits my life schedule etc etc. I'm new out of school and need the experience so I'm needing to stick around a little while longer. What am I going to do to keep my own sanity amidst this lady's lack of self assessment bullying and havoc on herself?

- Remember that their need to control is because they are flipping the fuck out inside and can't cope. They lack the ability to recognize their need for coping skills. Someone they have cruised through life and learned that running people over or massively controlling everything will calm their fear. This will make it all better. If I can control it, I won't have to face failure or difficulties. In my circumstance, I work for a dentist. The top careers from a 24 state data survey
that were linked to suicide of people 20-64 came up with dentists as the 6th highest suicidal job to be in.

I work for a Type 2 Control Freak.

This is a person who needs to make you feel like shit to make them not so freaked out. The more stressful their life, the more they try to bring you down to help themselves. These people have to have the ability to recognize that they have defeated you. Type 1 needs control. Type 2 needs to control you.

Stay calm. Control freaks like to make everyone else frenzied and blame them for problems so they become defeated.

Speak slow. Don't be drawn into emotional turmoil. Remember to breathe and focus on your breath as they unleash their anxiety beast of reckoning on you.

Treat them with kindness. They are paranoid.

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. Luke 6:27

Virgin Boozing and Pee Shame.

The party was going to go down in a few hours. I was living in the basement of my parent's house. My mom didn't care I wanted to go out as long as I let her know where I was going. Of course I lied, "Mom I'm going to a friends house to spend the night and watch movies". I knew I was heading out to a night of uncertainty and excitement. No one had ever asked me to a party before. I was to be picked up by a guy I never met. He had seen a photo of me at the house the party would be at. My friend and I had taken those stupid photo booth pictures at the roller skate park the year before. She liked to hang them in her room. I suppose he thought I was cute because he offered to pick me up.

The truck was loud when it pulled into the drive. I had on torn up jeans and a yellow tank top. Before I left the house, I checked my boobs to make sure they were touching in the front and put on a super sparkling necklace of a gun.

The front door of the house was tall, thick oak and glossy with a large vintage handle. As soon as I opened it I realized how cold the summer night had become. "Mom, Dad! I'm leaving!" They were watching the news. When I ran down the driveway I did a little spirit finger wave at the guy in the truck. He leaned over and popped the handle for me. The car had torn fabric seats and smelled musty. I climbed up awkwardly with a smile trying to scoop the assorted receipts and wrappers onto the floor as I sat down next to him. We made small talk. I mostly just told him how to get back to the main road from our house in the woods. My shivers were hard to stifle. I've always been a loud chatterer. He turned on the heater knowingly and smiled at me. The air warmed with a smell of old fries and stale car freshener.

Once we arrived at the house party, I jumped down from the truck and walked briskly to the door. I'd been to the house before several times but I decided to knock anyways. No one answered the knocking. The guy from the truck came from behind. He reached around me to open the way to the dark thumping revelry. My eyes stung immediately. I coughed a few times. The smell of cigarettes and incense filled my lungs. There were glowing posters all around. There weren't any introductions.

I moved through the house alert and nervous clinging to the idea that I might find my friend. She was sitting on the lap of her boyfriend of 3 years. Everyone knew they were fucking each other. They regularly would leave social events to go do it in random places. One summer I was over, we tried to look like we could play basketball outside. We had more fun leaning on the extra cars in the street and bobbing our head to the bass. They did it in the car we were leaning on. He liked to pressure her to do it in public. I could tell she liked the attention. The guys would cheer them on but I doubt they could hear with the deafening stereo.

She squealed and jumped off his lap when I came through the beaded door frame. We hugged. She told me to sit by her and her man. The chair was old and one of the legs was rickety. On the table in front of us was a giant bubbling vase. Smoke spiraled from nearby nostrils. Black light poured over us illuminating the stained carpet and neon nail polished fingers. Everyone was staring at me waiting for me to make a move. I felt like Alice in Wonderland. My anxiety was up; I didn't want to be thought of as a weed. "Here sip on this". My friend handed me a cold lemonade mixture. She knew I had never drank before. Ice cold stinging liquid rushed in my mouth. I choked and laughed handing the glass back to her. The guy from the truck asked me if I'd ever drank before. I shrugged at him. He disapeared through the beaded doorway. Upon reappearing he had two glasses full. He handed me the glass."Drink up Sweetheart we threw you the party". Everyone in the rabbit hole chanted at me "drink, Drink DRINK". With my eyes shut tight I sat up straight on my chair took a deep breath and downed the whole glass. My tank top caught the spill over and I wiped my face on my arm in victory.

The guy from the truck smelled like liquor and cologne next to me. The music pounded in my head. My hair was tangled and wrapped around my face. We were laying on floor together laughing and singing loudly. "Are you drunk?" I shouted at him "No!" with my eyes shut tight. "I have to pee". He helped me up from the floor. It felt as thought I stood still and the floor fell from below me. I stumbled head heavy to the door holding truck guy's hand for as long I could to maintain balance.

My skin was hot and clammy. I felt far away from the face in the mirror. Dizziness clouded my perception. There was a brush on the counter. I ran it through my hair in attempts to feel more beautiful. My shirt was stained and wrinkled from heavily chugging the elixir of popularity. When I turned around I noticed the toilet hadn't been cleaned in weeks possibly longer. I tried to hover pee and hold my panties away from the seat. There was a mirror on the back of the door to witness my calamity and wavering. I have never felt more shame with myself in the mirror.