Lonely Bumble Bee

This house was old and had a toilet in the front yard. My ex boyfriend was to drop me off. One of my friends was supposed to be meeting me here. He promised he would take care of me at the party. "He will be here soon, you can go home" I pleaded with my ex to not come inside with me. He refused to allow me to go to a party where I knew no one dressed the way I was. It was Halloween and I had bought the costume weeks before not knowing where or when I'd even wear it. The picture on the package showed a tall girl in stripper heals. It seemed like the dress part would go down to my lower thigh but in reality it was much too short. Bright yellow and black stripes circled around my body. I had bouncing glittery wings that left little glitter presents wherever they touched. My ensemble was complete with a black stinger and headband with wire yellow antennas. "Fine, you can come in until my friend gets here" I compromised.

Bass from the stereo thumbed in my chest and head. I couldn't hear anyone talking to me. I vaguely introduced myself to people around the dank kitchen. Drinks were being mixed up and served out in glowing cups. A vampire offered me one. I took it to the living room where people were lounging around and smoking. We started playing truth or dare.

I downed an entire cup full of cola and liquor, stood up, and did a curtsy. Everyone cheered and thought that was incredible. Laughter filled the living room and more people came to see what was happening. Others joined in the game. Still no sign of my friend.

My fingers were drunk and I couldn't keep a hold of my phone to text my friend. My head was spinning. I yelled at my ex to figure it out for me. The responding text message said that my friend was not going to be coming to this party. Nobody there was familiar to me safe from my ex. We had been together for about a year. He told me he would be stupid to let me break up with him so he promised to be my friend until I changed my mind back. He was sober. Word got around that I was chugging hard alcohol like a pro. More people poured into the living room with drinks and bets to see who could drink faster. There were many people I out drank. Problem was, the more I won the drunker and more disoriented I became.

"We should leave" My ex yelled towards my ear. "Why?! It's just starting to get fun!" I hollered back in his face.

My foot slipped in the wet grass by his car. He had to help me in and buckle my seat belt. We started driving. Lights and cars flew past my window in a blur. I felt like we were traveling at hyper speed towards death. I kept screaming to slow down we are going to fast. My stomach filled and throbbed. My mouth started to prepare for the inevitable. Hot fizzy vomit rushed forward and out my nose. I tried to hold it back and put my hands up over my face. We pulled over at a gas station. He marched me in the front door past security cameras and to the back restroom. "Wash your face and hands, go pee and come back out."

The bathroom floor had a crazy design on it that messed with my head. The pattern danced wildly below my feet. I vomited again on the toilet. The sink only had ice cold water. I loaded up on soap and washed vigorously making squealing sounds as my skin froze.

When I marched back out to the front my ex was laughing with the guy standing at the counter. I heard them say that I was drunk and going home.

Darkness started creeping into my head in the car. The engine was loud. My body felt limp and helpless. Double racing seat belts held me tight but I felt like I'd be thrown from the car. "I think I'm passing out, don't let me die" I started crying.

Bright light poured over my face when the car finally stopped. I looked around for a moment but couldn't recognize where we were. My head was pounding and my eyes burned. A blurry figure came at me from the passenger window. My ex opened the door and un-belted me. I just stared vaguely up at him without saying a word. The trees were blurry green waving in the background. I could smell his cologne when his shirt was pressed to my face. My body was weightless in his arms and then darkness overcame me. I was falling and spinning away into the abyss. "Look what I found" I heard as we went over the threshold. Darkness again.

One Armed Black Opals and Old Neighbors

Ok so I gave the neighbors food a couple days ago. Then we went out to dinner. The neighbors were there. one of their kids was wearing a pink tutu which I couldn't stop staring at when I was two black opals deep. Which by the way a one armed man made. Best black opal of my life! I tried to update this all on my twitter and it kept telling me I suck and can't be allowed to twitter more than the allotted amount. This is why I must blog this. Also, today I found out I actually have twitter followers and blog followers because Husby said when he tries to log into Google all my new fangled shit is in his way. Also this is what i was doing when the neighbors daughter realized I was the lady that gave them lemon cake.

I embarrass myself.

The Ink Jacket Massacre

" Now can I drink heavily and cry myself to sleep?"

Truama brain I am thoroughly fed up. Why you gotta be so mean to me? Seriously thinking about removing you and the more I try to the harder you hold onto me.

Today was a great day. I had the morning off. I went to work. I did a great job at work staying connected. You did a good job at not making me panic and dissociated. I spent the day aware of myself in my enviroment. Congratulations us! So what did I do to celebrate? I got us Water For Elephants I heard it was great and sad needed some time for himself instead of spending all of our time with trauma. To make it even better the movie box had Horrible Bosses as well. Two movies in hand I drove us all home. It was laid on my heart while driving that we had 25lbs of turkey that I cooked over the weekend just sitting in the fridge. It also occured to me that we haven't yet met our neighbors. The Lord nudged me to go over there. I NEVER DO THIS. I WOULD NEVER DO THIS. Why would I ever in my trauma mind think of going to meet someone I've never met before, alone, at night, after work, in my scrubs, AT NIGHT. Gasp* I already said at night this was just to reiterate the fact that it is fucking DARK. I knocked, a 3 foot tall girl answered the door with a green lolly pop in her mouth. She was missing her front teeth. Harmless.

"Is mom or dad home?"

From the kitchen I hear,

"Dad's home who is it?"

I said,

"Um your neighbor to the left".

I kind of sort of chucked the hunk of turkey at him and said we have a lot and I thought we could share. Then, I sort of ran away. He hollered that maybe we should all get together for dinner. He had a black hoodie with soap and water on his hands from doing dishes. He was heavily tattooed from wrist to who knows where. I got inside the safety of my own home. Popped in Water For Elephants and low and behold it said, "NO DISC". I blew on it old school Nintendo 64 style. "NO DISC" ARGGG I tried and tried. Then, I picked up my phone to call my Husby who fixes things sometimes. I noticed a text message on my cell. It was from the Boss lady.

"Who used pink sticky notes today?"

I am one for telling the truth always even if it means I get in trouble. Why? Because God is watching us. I wrote back, "Me, What's up?"

Then, Trauma brain woke up. Panic. Chaos. Panic. The thoughts began. Trauma started slowly but violently.

"You stupid fuck you know they've had problems with items going through the wash"
No trauma I checked my pockets. "
Not good enough obviously you suck".
No I checked, besides the machine is still tore up because of the pen incident which wasn't my fault.
"Totally was your fault".
No it wasn't truama I didn't do the laundry that day.
"Yeah you put them in the dryer though".
So, that doesn't mean anything.
"Does to, you ruined everything."
How does this having anything to do with sticky notes?
"You must have done something horrible they are texting an hour after work"
Shit, where did I put them all? I threw that one away...um I left one for the other assistant...I swear I have a record of every last sticky note and where it ended up.
"You aren't good enough you can't remember"
Yes I can, I did put them on the table at the end of the day by the phone maybe they dislike them there?
"Maybe your sorry ass got confused and side tracked and you put them in the wash"
Fuck. Maybe I did. How am I supposed to know?
"They are taking their time texting you back because they are furious with you"

I got a reply text message after my trauma had stiffled my ability to figure out a way to watch this movie that was supposed to be a treat to myself for doing a good job today.

The text reads:

"pink sticky notes, two pens, and Rebecca's name tag were put into the laundry while ***** was literally completing the $300 ink repair on the dryer(including jacket orders)"

I wrote back some stupid response. One, because I'm functioning in trauma brain mode and this is all I could come up with through the tears.

"Seriously? Dang, I swore I checked. Thank goodness we didn't start the laundry without checking."

My sane mind is telling me that I made a mistake by putting my lab jacket in the hamper without checking my pockets. The second thing my sane mind is telling me, is the protocol is to check the pockets while you are putting them in the wash. When I do laundry, I pull all sorts of things out from pockets. I even pulled a pen from *gasp Dr's jackets before. Do I say anything, NO. HELL NO. I just make it right and wash the laundry. Dr. is angry because someone made a mistake and ended up with a big mess. #1 I know we didn't buy a new dryer. #2 we cleaned out the dryer. #3 we had someone related to the Dr. come in for FREE to open it up and fix it. During the fixing time there was a strange man in the break room. My trauma and I don't do well with a new strange men appearing suddenly blocking my path to do what I routinely do. My routine was busted up and I couldn't remember where I put my shit. Apparently I freaked out and tossed it all in the laundry. Low and behold NOW I'm getting ripped a new one via text message.

Truama brain says I'm going to get fired for damn sure. However, sane mind tells me that nothing bad happened and especially nothing will happen because we will all check our coats now. I can see why she is angry but there was a lot of angry there that shouldn't have been at me. Why are they doing laundry anyways? I thought that was below them? "That's an assistant's job" is usually said at these moments.

Anyways, my evening is fucked and I don't think I'll find sleep tonight. I'm feeling very drawn to drinking the rest of my Christmas vodka and taking a long bath of tears.

I sent one last text message:

"I'm sorry I was lax on my removing items. I know the damage and stress involved in the pen incident and don't mean to create more of that for you."

Sometimes I wish I wasn't okay to be in society and I did spend my life huddled up in a black hole of disrepair and self loathing. Drat. I'm still here. I still have a job, I still have a DVD player telling me I can't watch my treat. My Husby isn't here yet. These are not happy moments to be alone.

PS: I got written up official style and everyone in the office now has to have their very own sticky pad color. My pen now has a label maker name on it. The write up said "If it weren't for ____ standing at the washer you would have just thrown in your jacket with all these items in it." Right like you can predict the future!?