It's Not Our Fault We Learned It From An Adult

Fa la la la la


More fabulous inspiration songs

Drug me up

I started painting again. It's sort of a slow expensive process. My therapist has been encouraging me and I know husby has been this whole time. I just couldn't get to my canvas. I was being held up by web episodes of Dr. Who and Grays anatomy. For Pete sake I would even watch re-run episodes of the Big Bang Theory instead of painting something new. I had a big wake up call over Sunday. What the heck am I doing not doing this? I love to paint. It's a place I go alone to be with my imagination and God. It is so life giving to me. When I finish one I don't care what the world sees all I know is I did it and enjoy it. My house is covered in my paintings. They offer me comfort and memory of the place I was at when I made them. People have asked me why don't I sell them? I'm so attached to all of them. If someone were to purchase one I'd feel as though part of my soul would be with them. I'm not freaky like Voldemort making myself into Horcruxes. I just get sad to think of them leaving.

This morning was hard to wake up. I wanted to paint all night but I got too tired. I probably would have fallen asleep on my work if I didn't stop. I'm still feeling dread anxiety every night before a work day. It's this pit deep inside of me that tells me I'll fail and the world will laugh at me. I fear of making a mistake and being punished. At work, when I make a new mistake for something I didn't already know about, they get very upset. I'm not in a place to handle criticism. I literally am sick to eat my banana oatmeal. In the morning I'm so nauseous to leave, I wait until the very last second to get dressed. The idea of being medicated was horrifying. What if I become a zombie? What if I can't do my job right? I already have some of those conditions in my daily life because of anxiety.

Waste

Husby and I listened to this last night. This song makes me feel loved and lost. I've always enjoyed Foster the People. I related well with their lyrics. This one though just hit me in my soul. I laid on the floor wrapped up in a purple blankie. He sat behind me...rubbed my shoulders and we just listened until night came.

I'll hold your hand when you are feeling mad at me
When the monsters they wont go,
The windows, they wont close,
I'll pretend to see what you see

How long, I say how long, will you re-live the things that are gone?
The devil's on your back but I know you can shake him off

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

You know its funny how freedom can make us feel contained
When the muscles in our legs aren't used to all the walking
I know if you could snap both your fingers than you'd escape with me

But in the meantime I'll just wait here and listen to you when you speak, or scream

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

I need a baby kitty

I'm researching lately how to convince my Husby I need to get a baby kitty for my PTSD.

After a long conversation over too many margaritas with his grandma and off beat uncle we decided I totally deserve a kitty. Husby however, has been put through a lot with the past cat I tried to bring home. I made a poor judgement call and was pressured into this bad decision by an abusive husband who was married to my Husby's aunt. Follow me? He said to me if I took the cat I'd really be helping them out. Their other family members said I'm probably helping their marriage stay in tacked. WRONG. I got the cat home (on Husby's birthday) as a surprise. Turned out it had a over active thyroid, pissed everywhere bucket loads, shrank in weight, and ran like a maniac around the house. The medication was horribly expensive and I thought I was just going to get a lazy old cat to lay around and pet. WRONG again. This was a Siamese cat. I felt horrible and kept the cat. Tormented, my husband lashed out a the cat and at me. Our marriage now was suffering at it had only just begun. I gave the cat back. Every since, I've been lonely without it. I missed having a companion at home with me. I talked to it. It didn't judge me. I just felt calm around it when it wasn't freaking out. We decided I just went about getting a cat the wrong way. I should have got a little one to grow attachment to and train it. While we are young and in our prime we needed a cat that was healthy and not needing extensive vet visits and expensive medication. That's when I asked the offbeat uncle about finding us one because they have the laziest cutest Persian cats. The only problem is my Husby might be allergic to fur. I know there are hypo allergenic kitty options but man do I just want to lay around and brush one of those fur balls all day. We could get a naked cat. The only problem is they need lots of attention and crave activity. Far from the lazy cat idea. That would just mean we have to get TWO!