Heater blankie and Can can dancing

I see London, I see France, I'm not wearing underpants!

This weekend my husby went out and bought the video game we have had written down on the calendar 4 months before it came out. We were waiting, and whining, and waiting. Finally it is here and we just played the entire weekend. I feel like a gross couch hobo. We did take showers and ate real people food not just video game food.

On Sunday we attended church like we normally do and this time the message was about accepting your life as pathetic without Jesus. I thought on that and realized how completely pathetic my life really is. Here I am unable to leave the house confidently any time of day for any length of time. I'm in a constant state of anxiety at work. "Am I doing this good enough?" "How can I get some feedback this is going well?" "Shit, I made a mistake I'm doomed." Then, Jesus....I get this thought that oh man I can do anything. Then I do! I don't know how but man after praying I get all prayer warrior-ed up and get through my day. I come home and usually decompress, cry, mope around, get super lazy and tired because I spent the entire day going through my lines and putting on a stellar performance of my life is pathetic I 'aint got it together Don't let anyone know....

I made a realization this weekend while playing video games. I am totally and completely addicted. I feel like I went on a Skyrim high and now am waking up on the other end of the weekend with weird things in my hair, bowls, cups, and pants around the computer desk. Not once during that time did I have a PTSD attack or even care that I have this. Considering the potential danger of losing myself into a video game. On the up side, it's not cocaine or alcohol.

There was a moment on Sunday where I didn't feel like worshiping, didn't feel like being there anymore, just wanted to cry and scream and go home to do more crying and screaming. When I did get home I fell right down onto the couch, covered myself with my heater blankie and rolled into a burrito. Husby came to comfort me by squashing my attempt to wallow by kissing and squishing me until my face was covered in sweat and steam. I had to come out for air. We just laughed and I cried.

I don't know how or what but I spent a stupid amount of time searching the internet for flamenco and can can dancers. They seam so out there with their emotions and body language. I want to be a Can can dancer today. I found this for inspiration.

I dressed up like I meant it once before but it was short lived that day. I freaked husby out. I guess you can't go zero to 1930's sexy that quickly especially coming from someone who is slow to woo and slow to entertain. Anyways, here's a photo to remember that brief but oh so fun to be sexy moment.


I'd be it baby if I wasn't so balled up