A collection of horrible events, actual pain, unrealistic expectations of myself and my challenge to get through it all with a smile on my face, a pocket full of pills, and an empty liquor cabinet.
The air was sticky with heat. The mugginess held onto my upper lip with dirt and sweat. I had ridden my little mermaid bicycle up and down the cul de sac at least 100 times if not more that day. Evening was setting in and the sun hung low on the horizon. It was that time of day when you rode your bicycle one way and found shade but on the way back became easily blinded as the rays penetrated through tree branches. It was this blinding light that caused me to miss the driveway back home just as my grandparents were helping in the yard. Dad was at the bottom of the driveway with grandpa. I had skid along the loose gravel and bailed on my bicycle. I look back now and know grandpa was just trying to help me feel better because I biffed it on my bike. "Hey come over here! I found a snake!" Grandpa called over to me from the ditch. I stood up and wiped my face with dirty hands. I had on a bright pick bubble gum helmet with my hair a hot mess out the back of it. I hesitated to approach the dangling black snake in grandpa's hand. I breathed really hard. This was my first experience with a snake. "Go ahead and pinch it right behind the head". My tiny feeble hand stretched out in hopes of impressing my elder that yes in deed I can hold a snake! Not a moment after I pinched that sucker's head did the wriggly slick tail twirl around my wrist in a flash. That damn snakes head slid from beneath my fingers. Searing pain burned into the fleshy part of my thumb. I shook and shook but the snake would not let loose and again opened what seamed to be a gigantic mouth to take a second bite out of my hand. In my true drama queen nature, I ran screaming up the 50 foot driveway, crying and flailing like I was about to die. I ran through the garage flung open the rickety garage door to a dark hallway. I sprinted through the hall huffing and gasping to the utility bathroom. I was still alive. My hand had four little gigantic bleeding spots. I ran ice cold water over my arms and hands crying and gasping. I still had on the stupid pink helmet. Looking up into the medicine cabinet mirror, I realized something new about myself; I was a complete utter pussy and looked like a bat shit crazy child. I took a moment to breathe and stare at my reflection. I wiped the tears away. It didn't help, the dirt just became muddy streaks on my face. I took my helmet off and washed my face. Dinner was going onto the table upstairs. One last deep breath. I walked calmly up the stairs like nothing happened and the snake incident wasn't spoken about. No one asked if I was alright with my near death experience.
I'm feeling very confused about sex again. When is anyone not confused at some point in there life about how this act is supposed to go? Lately, I've tapped into my inability to reach an orgasm and discovered coping mechanisms to help me over the edge a few times. Being someone who was forced to have my first orgasm from a rapist, I've found it difficult to allow myself that release. It feels almost too much or too scary. For years in all of my past relationships, I learned that it was easier to fake it and make the experience more about the man. This sort of allowed the pressure to move away from me achieving something. In a Christian marriage situation however, I'm coming up with several issues that I'm trying to work on.
1. How to feel less rushed. It's so stressful to have sex for me. This should be something natural and fun. In my reality though, it's more work to keep the demons out of my head. To cope with this, I've just thought to pray prior to engaging in any potential sexual activity. After all, God did make me for my husband. Also, I work on grounding myself to where I actually am. I tell myself about the room I'm in and the feelings I have. I like to touch my husband and remind myself of his smell, skin, and textures of his body to help me see my husband and not a past memory that could trigger me. This leads me to the first issue: How can I enjoy sponteneity?
2. We all have insecurity in the bedroom. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. We are supposed to be loving and blameless in the bedroom. I'm so mean to myself and trauma brain likes to tell me horrible things about myself to make me not interested in having a carefree love making session. To combat this one I spend time getting dolled up the way I feel pretty. I'll take a shower, comb my hair, maybe use a scented lotion, add some lip balm and tell myself I am gorgeous. I'd like to think it would all be better if my husband spent more time telling me I'm beautiful but I don't blame him for giving up on that because I go right back at attacking all the good things he has said. I can't remember the last time he told me in his own time and own words how I was beautiful because I've always allowed trauma to attack those sweet words. Post therapy, it's become difficult to encourage my husband to try again to tell me in his own because I broke that. Again, I pray. How can I get my husband to call me beautiful and that I take his breath away?
3. I feel like my husband is annoyed with me because I'm so "special" in the bedroom and have to have a particular setting, a certain mood, specific foreplay, and hope I keep from dissociating. I want sex to feel innocent and special. Every time it feels new to me like a first time experience. That's probably because my emotional level and sexual maturity halted at 12 years old. How can I explain that to my husband? What does that even look like?
I feel like I have a crush on my husband all the time. I only look at him and obsess over him when he is around me. I constantly want to have some part of me touching him, a foot, my arm, hand, legs on him, etc. I am totally infatuated with him. I'm always texting him and asking him to give me attention. I want to make out all the time but lately I've tried to distance myself from him because I fear that my obsessing will drive him away from me. The more I try to give him space, the more depressed and sad I become. I dread him dying or leaving. I cry endlessly when he has to go on a trip for a weekend or most recently I've wanted to back out of weekend plans with me and just the girls so I can stay with him. When we become intimate I turn into mush, giddy, giggly, and shy. I am 23 years old and I am shy to my husband!
I feel trapped in an adult body. Some how it's like I was in a coma for 10 years and now all of a sudden I have an adult life with adult desires but no matured capacity to carry out a normal sex life. (TIME OUT) What is a normal sex life anyways? Maybe that's not what I mean. Normal to me is do whatever you want to do in privacy and safety of marriage that doesn't hurt you or others. My biggest "fantasy" is just to be myself but myself is being innocent with a dominant husband. The sex I dish out is a lot of trying to act mature and dominant and sure it's nice because I absolutely love my husband but the confusion is: How do I explain what I really want?
I want to feel lost in sex like the world around me is gone and it's just us. The reality of it though, is more like I'm sad it ends so fast because it took me 15 minutes to realize what was happening and he is ready to leave the room or fall asleep and now I'm super confused about the feelings I am having and long for more.
OH AND P.S. Zoloft causing your shit not to work the way it's supposed to. All dried up. Sometimes it fizzles but there's no pop. The pill lady told me to take Viagra but that's like $10 a pill. She also suggested toys and lubricants but here's the confusion again: How do I suggest these things to my husband who believes strongly that "God gave us everything we already need".
I haven't taken a shower or done laundry for 2 weeks but this apron says I'm fabulous!
When my husby and I were engaged, we did premarital counseling. It involved all things about how to blend your lives together forever and the only way out of marriage is to die of natural causes or kill yourself. There is no other way out. Part of the book series we went through discussed the wife's role and skills to help keep the husband and marriage happy. The early months of marriage were blissful and full of whimsy. Dressing up in a sexy ensemble to serve a delicious home cooked meal or doing weekend chores in my pinup heals and unmentionables lead to a happy husband indefinitely. Who wouldn't want to see their new sexy wifey prancing around dusting and bending over wearing little frilly thingies?
Now though, that our marriage is becoming slightly seasoned, things have changed slightly. I work a couple days a week at a dental office and the rest of the time I work on artwork or how to perfect laziness.
What I never anticipated was that wearing his sweats and old college t-shirts around the house made him annoyed and less attracted to me. He would say things like "gee what have you done all day lazy bones" and even if I knew I cleaned up and down the entire house, it didn't matter. I was still a major slob-o-saurus.
My routine quickly changed when I noticed the compliments adding up. When I'd get out of bed in the morning the only things left in my dresser had been some fancy lingerie nighties. Throw one of those on and it's like a one step cover up process. Head to the bathroom and throw my hair up in a bandana and I look like a fucking sexy ass Rosie Riveter clean all do all machine.
"Hi sweetie, I made you a sandwich for lunch"....Doesn't even care it's a piece of floppy cheese on white bread. It's 3 pm and he has no idea I haven't even had a shower yet.
My definition of what it's like to dissociate from the movie Rango and the secondary character Beans
How to have sex with a rape or assault victim. That may seem totally un-attainable or un-imaginably horrifying. If you are a victim it may seem that you don't want anyone to know and in a way you've decided to prove to the world you weren't affected by the incident. You might be a person who wants to run and hide from any physical stimulation. A simple close contact with someone's arm may make you cringe and flash back. I'm not a specialist and the only reason I know how to make this work is due to years of therapy gone wrong, years of promiscuity gone wrong, trying to work out the kinks with my best friend in marriage, and more helpful therapy 10+ years after the event.
#1 ALWAYS ASK BEFORE DOING eventually I was able to get to the point where I could handle more sponteneity in touching without retreating inside myself to battle with ferocious emotional monsters. Most of the times that bothered me I cannot remember due to the heightened emotional discomfort and physical triggering.
With the relationships I did try to have post rape event, I struggled the most. I wanted to prove I could be normal and do normal dating almost immediately after. These relationships failed in huge ways. There was lots of happy times and good memories made but my own immaturity usually cast them down in a fiery Holocaust within weeks or months. I did have several long term relationships but struggled to feel safe and accepted. They were shallow or I spent most of the time retreated in a triggered state for months even years.
If you were with someone before and after a rape incident NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING WILL BE NORMAL AGAIN. This was one of the hardest things for my family and I. My relationship with all men changed in my family. I did not accept hugs or loving touches from any male figure uncles, cousins, even my father. What was once a loving environment became very hands off. This might be the case with your (insert person relationship spouse, partner, friend etc.)
What happened to me and might be the case with others, is that my memory turned blank in certain places. I had forgotten what it was like in that event for my rapist to do XYZ to me but my body remembers. To this day I still have unexplainable reactions and I can only assume that some where in my trauma the reaction was implanted on my body permanently. It has taken years and years and years for me to work my feelings out towards these triggers, the way my body will react to certain touches, how to keep my mind/body calm in a sexual environment to avoid flashing back/dissociating/or freaking the freak out.
- FEAR I'd say is #1. Isaiah 41:10 says Do not be afraid, for I am with you. God is a great comforter in all aspects of my life and I rely heavily on this passage. However, that doesn't mean I won't go through times of extreme fear of the feelings, triggers, or emotions I encounter.
- Pulling away for no reason
-Stop or be silent for no reason
Just be prepared for anything and everything to just happen at the drop of a hat. You probably should just be on guard at all times. It takes a very special spouse to be in a loving relationship with their partner after a rape incident.
-Don't be shocked. Remain calm while someone is having a moment. I say a moment because there is not a very good explanation of what happens to a victim as they are on the verge of dissociating or freaking out. Remain calm, speak calm, sometimes don't speak at all, just freeze like red light green light. When Red light is up you freeze or game over.
- Be ready for vomiting at any point. Bucket under the bed and work your way up to allowing your person to run away to the bathroom quickly. Stay calm. For my situations that involved this it worked much better for the person I was with to just not speak at all. Don't ask if I'm okay. Wait a few minutes and if you suspect the person would benefit from assistance silently just offer water, tissue, back rub, a soft "you are okay."
- Unexplainable discomfort, painful face expressions
-Being over stimulated
-Unable to handle any stimulation to any body part at any time for any duration
-Questioning normality, sanity, awareness, perception "Is this real?" "Am I really doing this?" "Are you sure, am I sure?" "Do people do this?" "Is this normal or okay".
-Showering, bathing, often after sex for any amount of time. Check on your person though I dissociated a lot in the shower at any given time.
-Feeling trapped or suffocated
-Being startled easily. In my situation I have done all sorts of things after being startled: Dissociated, cried, horror movie screaming, fighting, hiding, fainting.
-Night terrors
-Innability to understand sexual advances vs. non sexual advances
-Pain vs Pleasure confusion
If at any point your person doesn't seem to be acting normal, none responsive, or you just suspect something is wrong be a considerate partner and ask them if they are with you and if everything is okay. Part of having healing in a rape victims sexuality is having a partner who is aware of the situation at all times. It makes it difficult to act primal but it's important.You can ruin a lot of healing if you aren't aware of where your person is at mentally.
One of the hardest times for a rape victim is the moments right after a sexual activity of any kind and any duration. You may think it's normal to get up and leave the room or disappear from your person momentarily but they could be in desperate need to be coaxed back to reality. Again, it is very difficult on a rape victim to have sudden changes of any kind. Help your person out by communicating what's happening. Examples might be "I'm getting up to get a drink of water I will come right back", "I need to go to the restroom", "Can I get you anything?" "I need to stand up/sit down/turn around/move/jump/anything" "Can I move your arm/leg/hair/head/pillow/blanket etc." Keep a calm attitude and minimum frustration sounds even if it's difficult to move something or communicate. Your person might be dissociated and may or may not remember the things you say under your breath or directly to them. Remain sensitive and loving.
With a rape victim they may cry at any moment for any reason. Don't ask a lot of "why" questions because chances are they have no idea how they are feeling or why the feeling has come into being. It just is and work on calming techniques to bring your person back to a state of calm awareness. You might not get to have successful sexual encounters for a long time or they are few and far between. The healing takes a lot of years and positive encounters.
