Part one of a giant painting

I started again. I took $40 and finally got myself more canvas and paint. Today I painted for 8 hours. The time flew by and I had no idea where it went. My poor husband was wondering if I became obsessed or something. When you have a huge canvas the possibilities are so endless I just got lost in acrylic.

A Man Actually Turns Away Sex To Call Me Beautiful

This has been a personal thing for a very long time. I have never wanted to open up and talk about it but lately I have been asked by several different close friends and even some not so close friends the hardest question. It's the same question all the time but sometimes asked in different ways. "How do you have sex even though you were raped?" "How has rape affected your marriage?" "How do you feel you are serving your husband in a Godly way despite being raped?" "Can you still have sex like a normal person?"

 Why Should I be like the Veiled Woman?

First, I don't know if all the people asking me questions have been or know someone close to them (besides me) that have gone through some sort of victimization of their sex life. Second, I don't ever want to disrespect my marriage by sharing a lot of details with the world on this. However, I will try to allow God to fill me with helpful words to shine a light into something that would be so dark and evil without him. Also, I should not be taken as a serious biblical quoter of some kind because a lot of what I have to say is my understanding of God's book and his plan based on what is actually written down in the Bible.

#1 thing women need to remember is that God made sex. It was his perfect design and they are a perfect design. Adam was in The Garden of Eden with animals, bugs, plants, and of course God. I'm sure Adam and God hung out all the time. God taught Adam all about the world and had a perfect relationship sharing and discussing mysteries and wonders. God noticed Adam needed a helper and a companion who was a human. God  put Adam in a coma and took a rib from him to make Woman. Adam exclaimed "This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh" Genesis 1:23.

In the Song of Songs Solomon 1-8. The two lovers express erotically their love for one another. They describe each other to one another as being the greatest man and women ever. She calls on the wind to spread her sweetness to her lover so he knows to come into her garden and taste of her fruit. He leaves her garden and exclaims how he has had his fill of her milk and honey. God's plan for sex is supposed to be for two lovers to drink of each other and share intimacy 1. for reproduction. 2. for comfort  and 3. They get their fill from each other and don't wander.

The problem with being a rape victim is that I have altered God's plan for sex and came up with my own based on my own understanding and events in my life.
1. For attention
2. To manipulate
3. Power
4. Forcing someone to do what you wanted.

The problem with my thinking was just that; It was my thinking not God's. For years I have thought on my own and for my own without God and am realizing now that it is painful and difficult to alter my thinking back to a God centered mind set. It is not impossible.

I had thoughts that would eat me up about how I am ugly, wasted, used up, not good enough, and disgusting. God has told me otherwise and through reading the Song of Songs I've come to find that God is actually speaking directly to me and directly to all other women.

How beautiful you are, my darling!
    Oh, how beautiful!
    Your eyes behind your veil are doves.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
    descending from the hills of Gilead.
² Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn,
    coming up from the washing.
Each has its twin;
    not one of them is alone.
³ Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon;
    your mouth is lovely.
Your temples behind your veil
    are like the halves of a pomegranate.
⁴ Your neck is like the tower of David,
    built with courses of stone^[a];
on it hang a thousand shields,
    all of them shields of warriors.
⁵ Your breasts are like two fawns,
    like twin fawns of a gazelle
    that browse among the lilies.
⁶ Until the day breaks
    and the shadows flee,
I will go to the mountain of myrrh
    and to the hill of incense.
⁷ You are altogether beautiful, my darling;
    there is no flaw in you.

Yeah, it's weird to think that God is a lover but God created man in his own image and likeness with the same emotional scale. God thinks of us like this. When I am terrified of presenting myself to my husband I remember God is watching me and sent my husband to love me in this way and I the same. My husband, bless him, probably cannot come up with these words because he is human but I know this is how beautiful I am.

This does not mean I don't still have PTSD in the bedroom or that certain bedroom events don't cause my husband and I emotional pain. This just means that I've slowly discovered more about God through this process and what it means to be a lover. Being a rape victim is very unique. Sometimes all we do is tell each other we look good to one another and fall asleep in each others arms because maybe it's just not the time to do more and that is okay.

Hey Superficial Party Girl

I am seriously finding this song haunting and depth penetrating into my soul to that party girl I had been. In therapy I'm always asked what would I say to that girl who did ____ at different times in my life. I can never come up with anything to say. I usually stare off or cry. I'd say this exactly.

ABANDON SHIP

I cannot believe today is here. I'm trying to stay focused and go out of this place with a bang. I gave my work my resignation yesterday to jump ship and hop aboard a new one. This new job is pediatrics. I have no idea what God has in store next but he will keep me steady. This has been a strange journey where I have learned much and grown strength in myself that would never have been there. I am pretty sure my bosses gave me hell for months and months but they don't realize I am a child of the Lord. There is no amount of earthly grief that can keep me from Him who holds the world and my future. Praying for my next adventures in Peds!

In all you do give God glory the meak are made strong and He will not let you fail.

A Caterpillar

How is it so that the caterpillar weeps?

She weeps in her shell
She cries as it rains and her weakness there will never show
laying there trapped tightly waiting and watching for the light
they shout fly, fly, fly. Fly out.

If we could fit two into one and hold each tiny wing enwrapped in the other
would it then be safe and not so unfamiliar?
They two could plan the final escape together
blissfully whispering among the branches, leaves, and winds to one another

How is it so that the caterpillar weeps?

She cries and she weeps in her tiny shell
She cries as it rains and her weakness there will never show
Lying there trapped tightly waiting and watching for the light
They shout fly, fly, fly. Fly out.

We will all become manifests of butterflies and glide up amongst the clouds
there we will see the light and glory shine down upon our sorrow
He will hold the faces as they burst and grow from inside their shells
How marvelous and amazing is this last and final event

How is it so that the caterpillar still weeps in its tiny shell?

Lingering and waiting watching for the light that seems to never come
At last the final breath is breathed and she feels the warmth and light inside of her
Up into the sky higher, higher the glory will carry her out
Among the wisps’ of clouds and stars warmed and dry she looks down

How is it so that the butterfly weeps?

She cries and she weeps in her tiny shell
She cries as it rains for all the rest of humanity
lying there trapped tightly waiting and watching for the light